Day after day, it seemed clearer to me that I am not that patient after all...sigh~ As much as I hate to admit it, I can't runaway from the fact that I am such a bad-temper person. Call me hypocrite or whatever you wish to call it, but this personality of mine is getting worse each day. I am starting to have a weak control over my anger especially when I deal with kids. Too bad too bad :( I know if "ghadhab" is one of the many "sifat2 mazmumah" but sad enough to say, I do possess such characteristic.
I remembered I read somewhere about "akhlak" where it's said that, "akhlak tak tumbuh seperti lalang...ia perlu disemai." So, I really hope I do have enough fertilizer or whatever it takes to fertilize it :)
People LIKE to compare themselves with others. That's typical fact for human beings in general. But there's also another typical fact about human. They HATE being compared. Irony aite!!
I have been thinking about this since long time ago. I think I've started to realize how annoyed I am to be compared to someone or something since I was 12. At that time, my mother compared me with my brother in relation to our academic performance. She was talking about how relaxed he was in his study and yet he scored. I am so pissed off at that moment because for me, everyone is different. We have our own style and in fact, he is a boy and I am not. He is brilliant and I am just so so. Since that moment, everytime my mother compares to anyone or anything, I'll just switch off. This is the time when the saying, "ignorance is a bliss" really applies to me and my situation. Come on, she's my mother and I don't want to be a disrespectful daughter. So, I better ignore whatever she said or I'll end up giving a rude response to her. You know, I just hate listening to such thing. It burns my ears ;P
But I guess, this is common among parents - comparing between children. For them, it's a kind of motivation. The same goes with teachers. They have more or less similar view about this. I don't know how true it is, but I believe almost everyone if not all, hate being compared to others, especially their siblings or friends/colleagues etc.
For me, such thing will never be a motivation source but a murderer to my self-belief. I am the type of person who wants to succeed in whatever I am doing based on my own pace, my own capacity and my own way. I do observe people and I did learnt from them but I just hate being told to do so. Why? Because I know what I am doing. I just couldn't be the person they told me to be. There's no two persons who are identical. So, let me be myself and please don't ask me to be another version of an already existed individual. I just can't be and even if I could, I would never want to. I just don't prefer copycats.heh~
So, as a reminder for you and for me especially as future teacher and parent, please please please avoid comparing your students and children. There's so many ways to motivate people and please make this the last method on earth to use :)
Tetiba saya terfikir, apakah karekter2 yang boleh menyebabkan seseorang disifatkan sebagai keanak-anakan atau childish.
Dan antara jawapan2 yang boleh saya fikirkan sekarang ialah:
tidak serius dalam kerja. mudah ber'emosi' i.e. marah, merajuk dsb bercakap tanpa berfikir terlebih dahulu perlu di'ingatkan' berkali2 untuk buat sesuatu dsb.
Pada pendapat saya, tak salah bersikap childish...asalkan sesuai masanya. Kalau menjadi 'dewasa' setiap masa pun mungkin tak menarik kehidupan ini. Come on, life needs colours. Tapi ada masa dan ketikanya, jika tak kena gaya, sikap begini boleh memakan diri. It's annoying!!! Jadi, apa saja yang kita nak buat pun, haruslah mengikut kesesuaian masa, tempat dan orang sekeliling.
Bila namanya pun childish, maka memang itulah sikap kanak2. Itu nature mereka. Jadi, sebagai orang dewasa, jika hendak mengendalikan kanak2, mahu atau tidak, perlu ada sedikit elemen childish dalam diri. Jika tidak, kita akan menghadapi kesulitan untuk menguruskan mereka. Kalaupun tidak punya sikap begitu, paling tidak, kita harus memahami sebaiknya fitrah mereka yang memang suka bermain setiap masa. Apa jua yang mereka lakukan, mereka asyik fikir untuk bermain, tak kiralah waktu makan, mandi, berjalan, apa sajalah. Jika kita tidak memahami sikap mereka yang memang tak pernah serius walau ketika melakukan perkara yang serius, sudah tentu kita akan mudah marah atau berang. Sudahnya, kanak2 tadi memang asyik kena marah dek kerana sikap mereka yang bermain tak kena tempat pada pandangan kita. Tapi yang sebenarnya, kitalah yang kurang bijak menangani situasi itu kerana pada pandangan mereka, life is about playing...be it a good play or a fool one.
Dan saya sebenarnya sekarang dalam proses memahami fitrah kanak2 kerana bagi orang yang kurang sifat childish dalam diri, this situation is not easy for me. Tapi, saya akan terus berusaha kerana saya percaya, orang dewasa harus bertindak mengikut rasional bukan emosi. Jadi, sebagai usaha untuk menjadi seorang ibu saudara yang baik dan mungkin seorang ibu suatu hari nanti juga untuk menjadi seorang dewasa yang matang pemikirannya, saya harus istiqamah meneruskan pendidikan ini. heh~
I always said that travelling is not my cup of tea and I think it will never be. Suddenly today, I changed my mind. I think I should put it in my planner...as part of my to do list too. In my mind, I have pictured that I should at least, in a year, visit one place in the country. And in every two or three years, I should travel to any place overseas...beginning from neighbouring countries maybe.
But, this is just a rough plan or maybe I could just say a wish. Everything will depend on my financial condition and most importantly God will :) I really hope my plan next year could be realized. I wish I could visit the place that I've been dreaming for so long. I wish...I hope...God will make it true...insyaAllah :)
I don't know why everytime I wrote something about love as my fb status, people will start asking whether I am currently in love or in a relationship with someone and things like that. And my reaction would be, of course I am in love...every day and will always be...insyaAllah. Because for me, being in love does not necessarily require a person to be in a relationship with someone or dating anyone for I am currently not in that situation..heh~
Love for me connotes bigger intrepretation than love to your partner, parents, family, friends and whoever we called human. Don't ever think you are the greatest lover or could be one someday because the reality is, you can never be one. You know why, because human's love can never be separated with the word "expectation". When you love someone, you will expect someone to love you back. When you give the person something as the symbol of your love, you will expect the person do to somewhat similar in return. No matter how good or angelic you are, you must have this kind of feeling...even it weighs an atom. Even if you don't have any expectation, you will have hope...I believe :)
If you ever wonder who is the greatest lover then, the answer would be Allah, the Almighty. Why? Because when He loves he has no expectatation. His Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem have proven that He will give His nikmat to everyone regardless they're believers / not. But of course, there will be some differences in that sense. But my focus is more towards His power to love without hoping to be loved back. Don't u just think that is the purest love ever. I don't know but this is what I feel...
Actually, I am just trying to relate my feeling to this one song by Siti Nurhaliza. It is very unusual for me to actually make an effort to look up for the lyrics except when I feel like singing the song. But this time, the lyrics interest me. This song is more than what I assumed it to be typically be. So, let's explore the lyrics and see if you could feel the same like I did :)
Mereka meragui Wujudnya cinta yang sejati Tidak hati ini
Semenjak dari mula Ku yakin ada cinta Cintalah yang memungkinkan segala
Ku rela.. Biar betapapun perit tertusuk duri Jalan berliku tiada bertepi
Ku percaya.. Tidak sia-sia aku diuji Demi cinta.. Tersembunyi hikmahnya pasti
Pandang-pandang alam ini Sambil pandang difikiri Mana bumbung langit tinggi Mana lantai bumi
Tiap satu yang terjadi Tidak mungkin tersendiri Cuba cari jawapannya andai meragui
Ku rela Biar betapa pun perit tertusuk duri Jalan berliku tiada bertepi
Ku percaya Tidak sia-sia aku duji Ada hikmahnya pasti
I just feel like orang gila. Browsing facebook like there's no tomorrow. Then, cam biase r, after browsing one person's profile after another, mula la nak feeling2. Malas betul part ni. Ah, persetankan. Time ni r teringat someone wrote about the real definition of personal happiness and contentment in life.
That the more we compare our life with others, the more we'll be unhappy... That happiness and contentment would be achieved by having a strong believe in our God, our deen...
Okay, okay I surrender. Sometimes, it's not easy to fight the nafsu especially when the inside is not that strong. So, let's strengthen it..lalala~
“Berikan ilmu kepada akal supaya tahu. Suntikkan iman ke hati supaya mahu. Berjihadlah menundukkan nafsu supaya mampu."
Alhamdulillah, life has been treating me well these days. First, I've already received the edited version of GSST offer letter. I was thinking of calling BPG tomorrow but praise be to Allah, I received it beforehand...heh. Now, I only wait for the posting letter. Hope I'll receive good news too for this...insyaAllah.
Second, I am now in the process of sharpening my driving skills. Although it's still far from reaching the competent level, at least I could feel the progress each day. I am now building the confidence to drive alone, i.e. without unpaid instructor...hehe. I've set my own target every day. InsyaAllah, I hope I'll manage to achieve something by the end of this month. Oh ya, one more thing, I'll be taking JPJ test for motorcycle on the 17th of December. Hope, everything will be ok and I could get finally get my driving license for motorcycle. Pray for me ya :)
Lastly, I am currently giving private tuition for my two cousins. I am teaching English and Maths. Not really teaching actually, but more to assisting them in doing their revision. But, I think I am happy with this job. At least, I've used my holidays doing something related to my future career...huhu
But, there's two things I have not yet manage to do during this holidays. First, to do physical exercise and second, to cook. I really wish I could do them all so that my holiday this time would be meaningful :)
Sometimes, I just feel that they are afraid of their own shadow. They did things that I could not see its rationality. I've been there and I've done that. I am not being biased or what but I just don't think they have influenced my view and perception towards anything. So, why make that as an issue to counter your opponent.
Hey, come on! Intelligent people would not be easily influenced by stupid ideology (if there's any) because they could think for themselves. Even if they are being persuaded to do something, the choice is still theirs. So, why bother if they are making it for better. Hey boy, go and get a real issue so that your are not making yourself a real dumb.heh
Dad's is currently not well. Not that he's having fever or things like that but he's having difficulty to walk and even to stand up. Something that is yet to be discovered had happened and affecting his right leg. He is seeing a doctor tomorrow and that's when we might find out what actually happened.
Seeing dad in such condition really weakens my heart. It's only the first day but I just cannot see his helpless look. He used to be a very busy man. But all day long today, he stayed at home. I could see that he's bored. At the same time, I knew deep inside he's also sad with his condition.
I knew this is a test from God. I hope he'll endure it well. I'll always pray for his wellness.
Now, I can see how a life could be affected when Allah takes even a small portion of His nikmat. Sometimes, we forget to appreciate it because we thought that's what we should have as a human. But, what we forget to remember is as a slave, there's no such thing as "should". Everything that we have is all the courtesy from Allah, our Lord. When He feels like taking it back, who are we to question it and what more to sigh. Indeed, He possess everything and has every right to give to whom He like and to take back from whom he wants to.
Kadang-kadang, susah nak percaya perkara yang berlaku dalam hidup kita. Tapi, bila kata berlaku, maknanya perkara tu memang dah terjadi dan samada kita suka atau tak, memang kena percaya la kan sebab it is real, bukan dongengan atau angan-angan. Selalunya orang susah nak terima bila perkara2 buruk berlaku pada dirinya tapi in my case, bila benda2 baik jadi pun saya cam susah nak percaya.
Ye, saya amat faham tentang konsep qada' dan qadar, rezeki, fate, destiny and anything you name it. Bukan niat saya nak menafikan semua tu malah saya bersyukur sangat pada Allah sebab kurniakan saya nikmat untuk mengecapi semua tu. Tapi, entah la kadang2 saya jadi ragu pada kebolehan diri sendiri.
Contoh paling senang pasal result exam. Alhamdulillah, sepanjang saya study Allah memang permudahkan perjalanan saya. Mungkin bukan pada prosesnya tapi pada outputnya. In other words, the results la kan. Tapi dalam banyak2 exam starting from UPSR, SPRA, PMR, SPM dan yang terakhir DEGREE, cuma the first three je yang saya rasa layak untuk score as what stated on the slip. Kat sini, saya bukanlah bermaksud untuk claim yang "saya sangat hebat dan sebab tu saya berjaya". Saya juga bukan cuba nak nafikan kuasa "Kun Fayakun" Allah. Cuma, ia tak la sampai ke tahap untuk saya question my ability and competency in learning.
Tapi, semua ni bermula sejak saya terima keputusan SPM. Alhamdulillah, saya sangat2 bersyukur sebab Allah betul2 kabulkan doa saya. Exactly like what I always request in my prayer. Kalau nak ikutkan prestasi saya yang sebelum ni, that kind of result memang out of reach kot especially to see that few people who always score better than me scored a little poorer. Tipu la kan kalau saya kata saya tak nak result yang best. But it's kinda difficult to believe that you've made it. So, I always believe that the issue now is not abt what I think I could get but more to what He makes me to have.
Jadi, disebabkan rasa kekurangan kompetensi, saya tolak tawaran study Pharmacy. Memang, kalau tengok result memang tak nampak kat mana masalah tu. Tapi, being underachievers for 2 years, susah kot nak built self confidence yang hilang dalam tempoh masa tu. At that moment, apa yang saya fikir just "cukup2lah struggle buat benda yang kita tak berapa nak boleh... kenapa nak paksa diri and tak enjoy kan". So, thinking that such course is science-related, which is something that I think I won't be successful at, I rejected the offer! That also means that I have sacrificed my only ambition!! Heh
So, bermulalah kisah seorang pelajar TESL...something that I never ever thought of before. Memang la masa kecik2, ada r gak cita2 nak jadi cikgu. Most kids kot ever dream of becoming teachers. Tapi, English teacher? tak pernah kot. Paling2 Maths ke...hehe. Ni semua gara2 penangan seorang English teacher time Form 4/5 yang sangat2 terkesan kat jiwa raga. Tak pasal2 apply TESL sebab konon2 cam ter'inspire' dengan cara dia speaking. Kononnya bila study TESL, semua orang pun speaking berhabuk2...so, kira dapatla sket2 tempias tu. Tapi hakikatnya, tak dapat yang tu pun. Even study overseas pun tak tercapai gak matlamat nak acquire native-like accent tu...haha. Jauh benar dari puncak...hehe. Tapi, ade r improvement sket2. Okay, berbalik pada isu English tu, saya sebenarnya bukanlah seorang penggemar subject English pun. Dari skola rendah sampai sekarang pun ha. Biase2 je. saya bukan pendengar setia lagu2 inggeris, bukan juga penonton tegar cerita2/movie2 inggeris, bukan juga pembaca buku2/novel inggeris dan pendek kata, bukan peminat apa2 yang berkaitan English lah. Saya lebih suka dengar lagu2 Indonesia, tonton cereka2 Melayu/Jepun/Korea dan baca novel2 Melayu. Kalau nak ikutkan, saya sendiri tak pasti berapa banyak peratus kehidupan saya terdedah kepada English. Paling2 pun, yang dapat kat sekolah je la. Sebab tu saya yakin amat yang proficiency saya dalam Bahasa Inggeris tidaklah sehebat mana.
Tapi, susah kot orang nak percaya bila saya cakap macam tu sebab bukan itu yang tertulis atas result penuh my B.Ed TESOL program. Even kawan2 rapat pun tak sokong bila saya cakap macam tu padahal dorg hidup dengan saya kot and boleh nampak apa yang saya buat hari2. Tak tau la nak jaga hati ke ape kan...tapi tu la yang berlaku. Jadi, nampaknya sekali lagi la saya terpaksa berkonflik. Macam tak masuk akal pun ade sebab saya dikelilingi orang2 yang saya tahu kecenderungan mereka memang lebih ke arah benda2 English tu,at least kalau nak banding dengan saya la. Macam Magic. Tapi tu la, mungkin ini cara Allah nak tunjuk pada saya dan mungkin pada orang2 lain juga yang mana kalau Allah kata YES, semua yang impossible pun jadi possible and kalau Allah kata NO, yang possible pun jadi impossible. Pendek kata, konsep "Kun Fayakun" tu la.
Lagi satu, mungkin juga ini cara Allah untuk saya berusaha lakukan sesuatu supaya realiti sebenar sama dengan apa yang tercatat atas kertas. Mungkin Allah mahu saya menjadi seorang yang hebat di bidang saya...which is something yang tak pernah terlintas di fikiran saya pun sebab saya sebenarnya lebih suka jadi low profile...haha. Jadi sekarang, tekanan ini bukanlah atas dasar untuk mencapai sesuatu tapi untuk membuktikan sesuatu. Instead of rasa tak percaya dan tak yakin, saya rasa saya perlu buat sesuatu supaya at least saya boleh rasa 'normal' semula...haha
Saya harap saya akan berjaya melakukannya suatu hari nanti...dengan izin Allah...amin :)
Alhamdulillah, tercapai juga hasrat nak kemas bilik hari ni. This time, bukan kemas biasa2 tapi rearrange semua perabot dalam bilik. Best gak bile sekali sekali kita tukar selera. Cam blog ni gak. So kiranya sempena bulan baru ni, I just feel like starting a new life la konon2. Baru la bersemangat kan.
Okay la, nnti kan spirit baru ni bercerita lagi di entry akan datang. Nak sambung kemas2. Chow..
Okay, maybe it's kind of late to write about what happened almost 2 weeks ago but right now I just feel like writing something. So, I guess writing about my 23rd birthday celebration is a good start...hehe.
My birthday this year falls on Thursday. Since we were in the midst of that KISSM thing, so my free time would only begin after 4 p.m. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am sharing the same birthdate with one of my best friends, Iffah. So, both of us (err...five of us actually) planned to celebrate it somewhere. The friends asked me where to go but you know, I am very the hopeless when it comes to eateries. After considering few places at Mid Valley, we finally decided to blow the candles at Secret Recipe :)
Call it luck or a blessing but I personally feel that the idea of having a birthday celebration at Secret Recipe was a very brilliant decision. Why? because they had this offer where a birthday boy/girl could have his/her own free meal and drink with two conditions. First, we need to purchase one whole cake and second, we need to dine in. Since we could see no problem with that, we agreed to take the offer. Yeay!!
The best part was, the waiters sang a birthday song to us while bringing the birthday cake 2 our table. Hmm...as far as I don't like this 'public' thing, I have to admit the fact that I am actually happy with that. What to do, I have no power to stop such a spontaneous yet sweet action that I never expect would happen at that moment. So, just accept it with open heart...haha.
Here are some pictures taken on that very special day :)
That was a celebration with Sydney buddies. I got another celebration organized by Serayans gang...hehe. It was on Saturday the 21st. My very own Fina and Riza took me to this Chocolate Boutique in Bangsar Village. Thanks to Fatin for driving us there.
Fina and Riza asked me to order whatever that I want. Again? I guess they understood me well enough to have asked me to do that...haha. But I think we had too much chocolate or sugar I should say it because all of us turned "sewel" that evening. Whatever it is, I really enjoyed it...especially thinking that it might the last time we could spend our time together ;( Thanks again guys. Love you muahhhhh..
I don't know how to describe my feeling right now... I just feel that everything happened so fast... Just another few days and the five-and-a-half-year story will then be history... Only history...
One thing for sure, the journey after this won't be similar like before... I'll venture into a totally different world... There's no more coursemates / classmates / unimates and that sort of thing... but colleagues... Obviously, when it comes to colleagues, I won't be meeting people of similar age and mind set anymore... Not to say that I hate being in that kind of world... but what I don't really like is the idea of adjusting and adapting to new surrounding... at least not just yet... Can I just say...I am not ready...
Whatever it is, guys, I really cherish the time we spent together... If only I could tell each and everyone of you how meaningful my life has been with your presence... and I really wish I could do that so that all of you would know how I feel about you...
To my dearie:
sal, fina, fatin, riza...whom I knew since foundation years... syikin, syal, iffah...whom I shared my happy and sad stories with since we're in Sydney... and izzati...whom I think it's really a bless to get to know in my last year of uni... not to forget...aini, lisa, iqa n some others...
Praise be to Allah... for giving me the opportunity to meet and know you... for the chance I have to indulge in the sweetness of ukhwah with you... and for everything...
just so you know that never in my life will I regret any moment I have with you because that's the moment when I learn to be myself... thank you dear friends... till we meet again next time... if not in this life...maybe in the life hereafter...insyaAllah :)
Setiap perkara yang berlaku dalam hidup ini pasti memiliki sebab dan maksud yang tertentu... Dari sekecil2 perkara hinggalah sebesar2 musibah, semuanya pasti punya sebab mengapa ia berlaku... Dan hari ini, saya terdetik untuk berbicara soal pertemuan sesama manusia...
Dalam dunia ini, kita bertemu dengan ramai manusia... Hubungan dengan manusia pula boleh dikategorikan dalam beberapa kriteria...
Sebahagiannya ada pertalian darah dengan kita - ibu, ayah, adik-beradik, saudara-mara... Sebahagian yang lain tidak - kawan2, guru2, masyarakat sekeliling...
Dan antara mereka, ada yang rapat dengan kita... dan ada pula yang sekadar menjadi watak2 yang menghiasi kehidupan kita...
Namun, samada kita sedari atau tidak, setiap makhluk Allah yang kita temui setiap hari, semuanya mempunyai peranan dalam hidup kita...walaupun kita pernah menganggap mereka hanyalah watak2 pipih dalam pentas lakonan kehidupan kita...
Kenapa begitu? Kerana pertemuan yang berlaku (tak kiralah di alam nyata atau alam maya) bukanlah sekadar 'kebetulan' tapi hakikatnya adalah 'rencana' Allah S.W.T. Bukankah Allah mengetahui setiap sesuatu hatta gugurnya sehelai daun sekalipun...
"Dan kunci2 semua yang ghaib ada pada-Nya; tidak ada yang mengetahui selain Dia. Dia mengetahui apa yang ada di darat dan di laut. Tidak ada sehelai daun pun yang gugur yang tidak diketahui-Nya. Tidak ada sebutir biji pun dalam kegelapan bumi dan tidak pula sesuatu yang basah atau yang kering, yang tidak tertulis dalam kitab yang nyata (Lauh Mahfuz)" (6:59)
Bagi saya sendiri, saya selalu merasa bahawa Allah menemukan saya dengan seseorang untuk saya 'belajar' sesuatu dari mereka... Tak kiralah siapa mereka, baik muda atau tua, rapat atau jauh, berpangkat tinggi atau rendah...pada akhirnya, saya pasti 'belajar' sesuatu daripada mereka atau pertemuan itu sendiri...
Jadi sepatutnya, tiada istilah "aku menyesal jumpa kau"... kerana walau apa jua yang berlaku, kita tidak akan tahu 'rahsia' di sebalik pertemuan itu andai kita tidak bertemu individu tersebut in a very first place. Maka, hargailah pertemuan itu kerana itulah puncanya kita 'pelajari' sesuatu tentang diri dia, diri kita jua tentang kehidupan...
Dikesempatan ini, saya ingin mengucapkan terima kasih kepada semua individu yang telah saya temui sama ada di alam nyata atau di alam maya...kerana anda semualah yang telah 'mengajar' saya tentang erti kehidupan, membantu saya membentuk identiti sendiri, dan menjadi agen kepada perubahan diri saya dari pelbagai aspek seperti cara berfikir, attitude, gaya hidup dan banyak lagi...
Kepada individu2 yang tidak terlibat secara langsung dalam hidup saya, ketahuilah bahawa anda semua sebenarnya adalah penyumbang terbesar dalam usaha saya 'menilai' kehidupan kerana andalah sumber 'pemerhatian' saya...
Namun, setinggi2 kesyukuran saya panjatkan kepada Allah kerana Dialah yang menetapkan semua ini...
Ketahuilah Ya Allah bahawa aku begitu mensyukuri nikmat ditemukan dengan semua individu sepanjang hayat ini kerana aku tahu itulah yang terbaik untuk diriku =)
Alhamdulillah, saya sekarang sedang berada pada satu fasa kehidupan yang tenang... Entah dari mana datangnya semangat ini, saya sendiri tidak pasti... Apa yang saya percaya, semuanya berlaku atas kuasa dan kehendak Allah =)
Selama ini, banyak 'input' yang saya telah perolehi... dan 'input2' ini sebenarnya tidak pernah gagal menimbulkan kesedaran tentang pentingnya saya melakukan perubahan ke atas diri saya sendiri... tetapi apa yang berlaku adalah kegagalan saya melaksanakan tindakan ke atas 'input2' tersebut... maka natijahnya, saya masih menjadi individu yang sama hari demi hari...
Kini, saya merasakan saya sudah mempunyai sedikit kekuatan untuk bertindak... Perubahan pada dasarnya memang nampak mudah...seperti senangnya pepejal ais bertukar menjadi cecair... Tapi, yang tidak mudah ialah 'proses' melakukan perubahan itu... Bagi saya, untuk menghasilkan 'output' yang berkuali...prosesnya harus dilakukan dengan teliti... Dan untuk menjalankan kerja dengan teliti...masa adalah salah satu faktor yang perlu diambil kira...
Saya dapat merasakan yang saya kini sedang dalam peringkat awal melakukan 'proses' itu... Saya tidak pernah meletakkan target masa untuk menghasilkan 'output' itu...(semestinya lagi cepat lagi bagus...) Tapi, apa yang penting, proses itu berjalan dengan teliti dan cermat supaya hasilnya nanti tidak mengecewakan...
Bagi saya, apa yang mustahak adalah kesediaan untuk mengambil langkah pertama... Juga kepentingan untuk memberi peluang kepada diri sendiri untuk menikmati kehidupan yang lebih bermakna... Kini, baru saya faham erti sebenar "Jika kau fikirkan kau boleh, kau pasti boleh melakukan"... kerana "it's all about choice =)
dan saya mohon agar Allah sentiasa memberkati setiap langkah perjalanan hidup saya...amin...
for how-many-times-i-don't-know, i think i've lost my soul again... at this point, i'm not quite sure what kind of person i truly am...or who i want to be... at times, i feel being like this is ok... but at other times, i feel that's not ok for i don't feel happy and comfortable with it...
i know i'm not simple... i am complicated... because i am yet to find my 'true' self...
i guess the journey will be a long, tough one... but i hope that Allah will always give me the strength and courage to face whatever comes my way... aminn...
For me, it's very important to set a goal before doing anything... Without a clear goal, I find it difficult to get things going for I'll either stuck in the middle or stop doing it there and then...
Call me serious or whatever... but "doing things just for fun"...is so not me... coz I find it a waste of time if I do things for no particular reasons or if I see no future of doing it... unless I have decided at the very beginning that "okay, let's waste the time and let's have fun" ;P
So, sometimes...I don't quite agree with some people's action or attitude towards something that I would consider as a serious matter... like study, work or relationship for example...
But I know, everyone of us have our own perception towards that... so, I can't be egocentric by telling them what they should or should not do for I have no right to interfere in other people's life...
All I could do is to learn from other's experience and to do what I believe is the best for me and others too...(if possible) :)
Bila kita bicara tentang impian, semua orang pasti memilikinya... Tapi selalunya...impian itu terlalu jauh untuk dicapai... Bukan mustahil tapi terkadang kurang realistik...
Saya juga punya banyak impian... Tapi saya sedar, dalam memasang angan-angan, kaki haruslah tetap berpijak di atas bumi yang nyata... Menjadi idealistik dan realistik...sudah semestinya tak sama...
Saya akui, sikap pesimis yang ada dalam diri saya terkadang buat saya tertinggal di belakang... Tapi...sikap itulah yang selama ini buat saya teguh melayari kehidupan dan tabah menghadapi apa jua rintangan yang hadir... Kerana saya sebenarnya sudah bersedia untuk menerima sebarang kemungkinan...baik yang positif mahupun yang negatif... Tapi selalunya...yang negatif lebih 'dominant' dari yang negatif... Supaya kiranya yang buruk terjadi...saya akan berkata pada diri saya..."dah agak dah"... dan kiranya yang baik terjadi...saya bersyukur... Itu lah sebenarnya cara saya mendinding diri saya dari kekecewaan dan kegembiraan melampau... Supaya saya tak terlalu beremosi tatkala kegagalan menjengah datang... Dan cepat sedar kalau yang berlaku itu semuanya perancangan Tuhan...
Saya tahu saya terlalu berhati-hati dalam melangkah... Saya tahu kalau saya terlalu 'play safe' dalam apa jua yang saya lakukan... Saya sedar itu semua dan saya tahu sikap sebegitu boleh menghalang saya untuk menjadi individu yang lebih cemerlang...
Tapi, saya rasa amat sukar untuk mengikis sikap2 tersebut dari diri saya... Entahlah...mungkin saya sendiri yang tak mahu membuang sikap itu... Mungkin kerana saya terlalu takut untuk menerima kekecewaan... Kecewa apabila sesuatu yang saya hajatkan tak kesampaian...
Jadi, mungkin sebab itu juga saya tak pernah bercita-cita tinggi dalam kehidupan... Dan menjalani hidup hari demi hari... Yang pasti...hanya redha Allah yang saya harapkan akan mengisi detik-detik perjalanan... supaya apa yang saya lakukan...walaupun tampak kecil di mata manusia...tapi besar sahamnya untuk kehidupan abadi di akhirat sana...insyaAllah
Everyone must have their own ambition... or at least what they are going to do or be in years to come...
Of course, I have mine too... even it's just a normal target that everyone would have set, i've sort of pictured how my life could possibly be in the future...
However, as humans... we sometimes tend to forget... that the power of planning and determining is beyond our capabilities... it is Allah who plans and decides everything...
Sometimes, when we want 'less', we'll get 'more' and some other times, when we want 'more', we'll get 'less'
Why? because it's not about what we 'want' but what we 'need' and we ourselves won't know what we REALLY need in life... for we are not the owner of if... but HIM...
So I guess, for whatever things that happened in life... we should always believe that it's the best for us...
Yeah, it could be frustrating at times when we didn't get what we want... but learning to appreciate what we have... is something really worth doing...I believe
The conclusion is simple: planning is not wrong... but never forget Allah in your plan... for if the plan did not work... you'll not be dissapointed nor blaming anyone or anything... because you know He's the best Planner of all :)
there are times... especially when "bengongness" strikes... that you think what you should not think... that you feel what you should not feel... that you do what you should not do...
sometimes, the things that you think, feel or do... are so irrelevant... and yet...you do it...
that's when you really need that 'rationality' back...
so now, wake up...wake up... don't get carried away by that stupid feelings ;P
oh, how I hate this 'bengong'ness ^^
Salam~
p/s: now I trust that fella... I got my magazines already :) ...feel so stupid to be mad at Mam just now... where's the 'patience' that my students used to adore...haha...(maybe I need them :P)
Sometimes, what happened around you could make you feel pressure... Though you feel nothing at first, the feeling of 'something' gradually develops either you realize it or not...
Sometimes, having such feeling is good but it could also be harmful at times...
And I - I hate being pressured by my surroundings =P But at the same time, I know nothing much could be done... except... To put the full trust in Allah and let Him decides the best path for me :)
Friday (02/10/09) - After school, we had a 'date' with 4SC1 students. Actually, the date was more for Izzati. I just accompanied her. Venue: McDonald Pandan Mewah. Time: 2.00 p.m. We were late for 'the date' because imagine, we reached home at about 1.45 p.m. We were fortunate enough that K*a*k*M*i*n offered to send us home. Thanks kak. We really appreciate that. - We were at the McD till 4.30 p.m. I think. Then, we walked back home.
- At about 6.00 p.m., we went to Paragon to do some grocery shopping. Finished at around 7.45 p.m. and reached home around 8.00 p.m. - By the time we reached home, I think my body was totally exhausted. I need rest...please...hehe
Saturday (03/10/09) - Today, our students are coming to our house. We were not holding an open house... but just a small makan2 for those who come beraya la konon2... - Believe it or not, I have to cook for my students. The last time I cooked was 10 months ago kot when I was in Sydney. I never did that once I am in Malaysia because...you know, there seemed no need for me to do so kan...hehe. So, I tried my best la to serve my students. I did not cook much...just fried bihun...but for about 4 round kot. Just bear with the taste la guys...as long as none of you got diarrhoea...hehe.
- The first group came at about 11.00 a.m. They are 4SC1 and 4SC2 boys + 1 4PA1 + 2 little boys. About 16 of them. Then came the second group. The 4SC1 girls+ 1 4SC2 girls + 1 4SC1 boy. About 11 people. Next, came the 4EK group. 6 boys and 1 girl + their 4 friends. After that, came Ashira's group from 4SC2. She came with another 4 girls... Zaleha, Maz, Nabila and Mai (if I am not mistaken). Kah Weng from 4EK came alone around 5.00 p.m. He's from Fateha's place. The last group to come was 7 4EK boys + 1 4PA1 boys and their 3 friend. They were at our place from 8.30 p.m. until 9.20 p.m. I think. And that was the last group we received. Around 55++ Form 4 students from S*e*r*a*y*a came to our house and that excluding quite a big number of Form 2 students. OMG, what a record la kan...haha. "arienai itsu no" (mimic Makino's style...hehe)
with 4S2RC girls
with 4EK students
with 4SC1 n 4S2RC students
with 4SC1, 4S2RC n 4PA1 boys
- Whatever it is, thanks for coming guys. You've made our first raya as teacher very memorable and special ;) - That night, most of us slept early except me who chatted until 2.30 in the morning. What an energy la kan ;P
Sunday (04/10/09) - Woke up as early as 6.00 a.m. I know it's not as early as usual but I think I still have not got enough rest...hehe. - Having my shower and breakfast before I start packing stuffs. Today, we are moving out from the place. You know, the feeling is never different from what I feel when packing things in Macquarie 10 months ago. Unfortunately, I did not take any pictures during that time or you can see how terrible the house looked like at that time. Like 'tongkang pecah' pun ade..hehe. - My parents came at about 3.30 p.m. and after loading the car with as much things as possible, we rushed back to i*p*b*a and reached there at around 5.00 p.m. - So now, I am back to my normal routine...
Although the week has been so tiring for me, I'll never forget what happened during those period (that's why I wrote it here ^^) because that would be one of the most meaningful week I ever had in my life :)
Too many things happened last week that I have no time to update my blog...Although I am all excited to write about it, it is only now that I can squeeze some time to do that...Okay, lets begin on what happened from Monday until Sunday last week...
Monday (28/09/09) - Visited Kak D's house...beraya la konon2. We were at her place till 4 p.m. I think. Then, she send us back to school for our 'project'
- About 4.00 p.m. ++, we started our mural project. For a non-professional painter who never paints before (referring to myself), it took us almost 2 hours just to paint the background...haha... We ended up going back with the afternoon session teachers... Waaaaa, reached home at about 7.30 p.m. kot coz we straight away went to the night market after school.
Tuesday (29/09/09) - Attended choral speaking practice after school.
- After that, we continued our 'unfinished' work. We started a little bit early today. Managed to finished our simple mural. I know it’s not even reach the standard but that’s all we could do…hehe
- Today, again we went back at 6.45 p.m., together with our friends...
Wednesday (30/09/09)
- Had my last observation. Hooray…I finally free from this torture…hehe
- Attended choral speaking practice after school.
- No more painting today as Izzati had to go back early…preparing for her last observation tomorrow.
- Reached home at about 4.00 p.m. I think...
Thursday (01/10/09)
- My last class with 4EK and 4PA1…so, nothing much I teach but taking photos with them…hehe…
- Attended the last choral speaking practice after school.
- We left school about 3.00 p.m. for we have to get ready to go to Jalan TAR at about 3.45 p.m.
- Reached Jalan TAR at about 4.30 p.m. Looking for gifts for our co-operating teachers and the school. Departed from Masjid Jamek Station at about 8.00 p.m. and reached Pandan Mewah at about 9.00 p.m. OMG, I am already flat by now :(
- OMG, I forget that I might owe *A*c*a*p a lunch treat… He already treated my twice… I don’t feel good if I did not treat him even once. But, I don’t think I still have time to do that… Hmm…bile2 la eh… Thanks anyway ;)
Friday (02/10/09)
- My last day at school. I have to settle few things. First, the Gerko Form. Second, the attendance Form. Third, the Good Luck cards for the students. Fourth, my lesson plan.
- A*c*a*p asked me if I wanted to replace him to enter 4SC2/RC for this is my last day at school. At first, I said no because I do not know what to do with them since I’ll be taking over C*i*k*g*u*P*a*b*i*l’s last period. But, I think he knows that I can be easily persuaded kot… So, I finally agree and what I did in the class was to ask my students to write their evaluation about me. Luckily, I got some task for them to do or else I’m afraid they’ll bored seeing my face the whole day today ;P
- At 10.40 a.m, I was invited to the class when my time should be at 10.50 a.m. I was at the office at that time. Before that, everybody seems to be talking about the party the class is holding. My reaction? Of course I pretend not to know anything about it when I am actually well aware of it. Why not? They collected money right in front of my eyes during my class. What is there to hide my dear…hehe.
- However, as I walked to the block, I met U*d*i*n and Y*a*n on their way back to their block. I asked them why there were still there when their class should have started. They claim that they were from 4S2RC, helping friends to set up things. OMG, this time I was nervous. I don’t know why I feel like that but when it comes to U*d*i*n, I wonder what was the thing that he set up.
- I continued my way to the class. As I reached the class, I saw the door was closed. I was hesitated to open it, thinking of U*d*i*n’s involvement in this conspiracy…hehe. I waited outside and I knew they were waiting inside. Finally I asked, “Korang buat ape ni?” And they replied, “Teacher masuk je la”. Carefully opened the door, I could see few boys queuing up in front of the class and one by one gave me flowers. OMG, this was something that I never expect to happen. That was so sweeeeeeeeet dear. I’m so sorry for doubting you. Maybe you know how much I hate pranks…hehe. Whatever it is, honto ni arigatou gozaimasu!!! I don’t know what to say and what to feel at that moment. All these are beyond my expectation. What I knew is that I feel so touched with your effort. Never in my live haveI felt so happy like this. Thanks guys :)
the cake
the gift
Before we went back, I met the senior colleagues and say thanks for their warm welcome and hospitality. I do not why I felt so touched that I nearly cry when I shake hand and bid farewell to them. Thanks for everything sisters and it's my apology if I ever hurt your feelings in any ways. See ya and good bye S*e*r*a*y*a
Actually, there’s more to write but I feel so tired to do so…
"I choose to remember the past for that's what makes the present me. I choose to record the present for that's what I would treasure in the future. I choose not to dream about the future for I believe it's already THERE; in the Knowledge of ALLAH. And my choices are basically voluntary."
Assalamualaikum W.B.T
