Assalamualaikum W.B.T

First of all, I wonder camne leh salah counting. This should be entry no. 380..tapi ble tengok archive, baru de 377...camne leh short 3 entry. Sengets!! Tapi nak blame sape pun kan...haha.

Rasa cam dah lama tak tulis something kat sini. And again, this makes me wonder why I started blogging dulu2. Bile browse through blog2 orang len...teringat masa kat overseas dulu. Rasanye....I am a different kind of blogger if nak dibandingkan dulu n sekarang. 

 

Okay, lemme put this way. Based on my observation, there are few reasons why people blog. And cara pendekatan blogger pun berbeza2. Yela..manusia ni kan unik. So, rasa cam happy bile blog sebab indirectly dapat 'kenal' and 'tengok' sendiri sifat dan cara manusia yang berbeza2 ni. If I were to classify my blog under which category, xtau la nak decide. Sebab ternyata, my approach len kot dari org2 len. Xtau la genre pe. haha. Kadang2 rasa cam sengets gak, tulis2 kat sini...tapi tak nak orang baca...Sudahnya, cam cakap sendiri. tanda2 sengets la tu kan...haha erk...ada aku kisah ;P

 

Yang penting sekarang, selagi rasa tak nak berhenti menulis...I'll continue writing. For me, blogging ni cam therapy. I express feelings through writing kot. So, kene de gak medium ni. Soal readers, zaman2 tu dah berlalu. Rasanya, tu bukan la dunia aku kot. I feel more comfortable like this. Hopefully, sampai bila2 pun camni la ;)

Hmm...skrg tengah fikir nama utk BKU1911. Dari dlu rasa nak bagi nama...tp x bg2...ssh nyer nak bagi nama..cam nak bagi nama anak je kan.. Tape la, once I could think of a name, I'll update here...Ok, chow!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Nampaknya, banyak drama dan filem berunsur dakwah ditayangkan sekarang. 

Baguslah....sekurang2nya dapatlah dakwah disebarkan secara tidak langsung kepada masyarakat.

Tapi my concern is, even drama dan filem itu 'konon'nya bercorak keagamaan, perlu ke mereka sertakan aksi2 dan adegan yang kurang menyenangkan.

Pada mulanya, memanglah saya teruja...tapi certain scenes really 'turned me off'.

Elok2 kesedaran dan keinsafan timbul, mood terus rosak bila disajikan adegan2 yang kononnya mencerminkan realiti masyarakat.

Yes, they got their points, kononnya tak guna menyembunyikan realiti kehidupan sebenar...kononnya masyarakat perlu didedahkan dengan keadaan semasa, kononnya itu kononnya ini.

Betul, mungkin memang itu realiti masyarakat. Tapi tak salahkan jika kita paparkan situasi2 yang baik supaya dapat diteladani.

Some poeple might say, "biar penonton buat pertimbangan sendiri...mereka tahu apa yang perlu dicontohi".

Tapi, tak semua orang mampu buat perkara seperti itu.

Walaupun fitrah manusia itu sebenarnya inginkan kebaikan, tapi "kecenderungan" manusia berbeza2.

Ada orang bila menonton, akan buat self reflection and thus jadi baik.

Ada orang bila menonton, akan rasa curious and thus feels like trying those things..selalunya yang tak baik la..

Elok2 mereka tak tahu, paparan yang mereka buat langsung beri idea kepada golongan2 curious ni.

Kadang2 saya geram juga. Nama saja berunsur dakwah, islamik tapi hakikatnya...branding 'islam' dan 'dakwah' hanyalah dikomersilkan.

Come on, sampai bila nak jadi macam ni kan.

Saya bukan mahu membandingkan tapi saya ada menonton beberapa filem dan cereka berunsur dakwah dari produksi luar. Memang sekali lalu, tiada langsung nilai komersial...tapi drama itu "bersih". Mungkin la, ia tak mampu menarik minat ramai penonton tapi bagi saya, lebih baik dari bercampur aduk yang baik dengan yang tak baik.

I know I may sound emotional here but I just expressing myself. My opinion might not be 100% true as it is merely an opinion...heh~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Before anything, let us consider these two sayings:

"Absence makes the heart grows fonder"

"Out of sight, out of mind"

Which one do you think is truer than the other?

Actually, I was thinking about the truth in both sayings since before.

At times, yes, absence could make our heart grows fonder...

But then, the word 'fonder' itself has different connotation to different people...

Relating myself to the context here, I would say that somehow, absence is a blessing...

Sometimes, we need to be apart from our loved ones for a while so that we have time to reflect and rationalize things...

Yes, to love is some kind of a gift from God but whether we realize it or not, we could not nurture the feelings to just anybody...or lemme put it this way...we could nurture the feelings but we should put limitations to it...depending on the individuals we are dealing with.

In my case, I feel that the separation period give me a good platform to detach myself from the people whom I have unconsciously treated the way that I shouldn't in a first place. (read: I give MORE)

Not to say that when they are out of sight, they will be out of mind but at least I could control my feelings and perhaps do a good restart later...this time in a slower pace..maybe..heh..

But one thing for sure, once we go through "separation" period, the feelings wont be the same again. It's either become "more" or "less". It's not like clicking a pause button when you play a song that it will continue where it stops when you resume it.heh~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Dulu, dia memang bermula kosong. Kemudian dia belajar bertatih...perlahan dia mula berjalan. Bila sudah agak yakin, dia mula berlari anak. Walau lariannya tidak sepantas mana...tapi cukup untuk mengekalkan momentum yang ada.

Namun, dia kalah kepada situasi dan hawa nafsunya sendiri. Lariannya yang sememangnya sudah perlahan semakin hilang rentak. Dia tidak lagi berlari tapi berjalan. Tidak tahu apakah dia sudah penat atau barangkali dia 'terlupa'...maka akhirnya dia berhenti berjalan. Bertatih pun dia tak mahu.

Kini, walau hatinya meronta-ronta untuk berlari semula...kakinya seakan sudah terpaku. Dia sangat buntu. Bagaimana hendak berlari kalau berdiri pun dia tidak mampu. Dia benar-benar lupa bagaimana caranya untuk berdiri. Mencari-cari pautan yang dia sendiri tak temui saat ini. Setiap hari dia membayangkan betapa indah saat ketika dia berlari dulu. Walau cuma lari2 anak, tapi cukup untuk buat hatinya tersenyum.

Ya Allah, bantulah dia. Senyumnya kini hanya senyum palsu. Hatinya sangat terseksa. Setiap saat ia menangis pilu. Kalaupun tidak berlari, bantulah dia untuk berjalan semula. Berilah ia pautan. Bukankah Engkau "sebaik-baiknya Penolong"...dan aku akan terus bermohon untuk dia..agar dia temui kebahagiaan hakiki pinjaman Engkau"

Salam~

i'm seriously clueless of what happened

i wonder what's the reason behind things

but whatever it is, i dont think she should do what she did

O Lord, please...we seriously need Your guidance..i beg

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Today is the 7th day of school holidays. This also means that I have been doing NOTHING that I could be proud of for A WEEK. *sigh*

And, today, when I was about to complete the whole series of Boys Over Flowers (read: AGAIN!!), I suddenly had the spirit of completing this one particular PROJECT. I wouldn't want to tell what exactly it is, but insyaAllah, once it is DONE, I'll publish it here =)

Gambatte ne!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Alhamdulillah. Another phase in my career life has passed and I shall wait for the next stop. Hopefully, everthing will be just fine...iAllah.

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I know..I know..The topic sounds so "uhhh". But, that's what I've been thinking or should I say "reflecting" all this while. Maybe because I am a teacher. So, I've been observing people of different age levels. That's when I started thinking of all those things related to parenting.

Previously, when I was still "young" and "not-so-matured" (heh ;P), I used to think that getting married and having children is JUST another milestone in life. BUT, I seriously forgot the fact that MARRIAGE and CHILDREN are not as simple as how the words are spelt. Both comes with responsibility...read: RESPONSIBILITY (note the capital letters...heh). 

I don't know what people generally have in mind when they decide to get married but for me, marriage is something that we "do" with preparation. Preparation here not only means  good financial support but also physical and mental readiness. I am a person who strongly believes that one should equip themselves with knowledge before he/she gets married. Yes, LOVE is the core thing in a relationship but I believe it's the KNOWLEDGE and UNDERSTANDING of why we do things that will constantly remind us of the RESPONSIBILITY that we should assume to lead the marriage life well. Again, I realized that this is just a humble opinion from someone with no experience but at least, that's what I gained through observation.

Talking about KNOWLEDGE, it's again something that is not necessarily gained from formal process like attending courses. It could be acquired informally like through vicarious experience for example. We could read from various sources, we could observe it from other people or we could also ask around. We see and learn lots of things everyday. So, when the time comes for us to apply things, it's when we decide or choose what's the best way of doing things.

Somehow or rather, when I see my students and my nephews, I wonder how it's like for parents to raise  the children. Tell me, who wouldn't want a good, obedient kid that could be proud of all the time? But again, tell me, is there a specific formula for that? Oh, how I wish I knew that so I could tell everyone about it...heh~

As I walk further in my journey of life, I started to realize that life isn't getting any simpler but tougher.  And that makes me feel so thankful to Allah for having such parents. I started to appreciate them more than I did before. 

So, whatever difficulties we faced in any phase of life, I see that all as tests from Allah to see how well we could cope with challenges in life. InsyaAllah, I believe if we consistently seek guidance from HIM, in all matters, things would be a lot more easier and hopefully we would never go astray. Aminn. 

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

My first year of teaching has been a very prosperous year for me. I learnt a lot from the experience especially from each and every individual that I dealt with every single day. And before the new semester commences  soon, I think it would be a great idea if I were to record my experience and feelings dealing with those SPECIAL people in my life as educator.
 

orientation week...everyone looks so kudus...hmm =P

Okay, let me start with this "one-and-only-TESL3" group. Technically, they are my tutees (read: they still are  at the moment until God decides otherwise..huhu) and of course I am their tutor.  FYI, totur-tutee is more like mentor-mentee, class teacher-students...things like that. Actually, I have no idea what kind of role a tutor assume because those days,when I was a teacher trainer, I dont really bother about this mentor-mentee thing. All I know is my mentor should be keeping all my records, certificates, forms whatever and I were to get his/her signature if anything. That's the only schemata I had about it. But then, upon reading this one particular book about tutorship provided by HEP, I was really struck by this phrase "tutor sebagai ibu bapa angkat". OMG, what kind of job is this? I have yet to get married and now I am assuming parents roles...well done!! hahaha (read: obviously this is a fake laugh...heh)

berjimba@Lata Belatan...amboi..sakan btul dorg nih..heh~

Okay, let me tell you this. Being a tutor to 18/19 years old teenage is a very  interesting experience I should say. I have 33 "kids" to be taken care of and I do not know if I did things well. I can't even take care of my one and only brother who is about the same age as them and now nahh...33...read: thirty three. Obviously,  as a teacher, I had faced even larger group than that. But as a tutor, this is my very first experience and I tell you, it's a totally different situation. DIFFERENT!!

raya@beloved KDRI...haha

Somehow or rather, I feel this is some kind of a BLESSING from God. To teach them, to get to know their backgrounds, characteristics and personalities, to motivate and advice them, to listen to  their problems  and concerns, to share stories and spend time with them...everything...everything feels so priceless to me. At times, I really feel like I am their mother (OMG, how I feel so "old" talking about this...heh). The thing is, whenever something happened to them, like having fever, being sick and thus needed to be hospitalized, getting injured when playing sports, being badmouthed by others...I dont know why but I worried like hell (see...it sounded so much like a concern mummy aite...bluekk =P). It's not that I never remind myself that; "come on, they are just your students...STUDENTS!!" but I couldn't help myself from feeling what I feel. I have no idea why I feel so connected with them that I could feel so hurt if people talk bad about them and if they dissapoint me. Yeah, blame my high expectation towards them but this is how this person works. If I considered that person as someone close to me, I would have high expectation towards that person and the best part is, I would assume that person to understand what I expect them to do...too bad...too bad...haha.

random picas we took together (^_^)

One thing for sure, I will definitely remember what I had gone through with them. I do not know if I'd still be their tutor next semester. But whatever it is, I am so thankful for THE opportunity given by God. Not a single minute in my life, I ever regret having them as tutees. I always believe how good or bad things are, the only thing that God wants is for me to experience the best...and I am so grateful for that.

futsal time..and yeay the girls won it!! boys, jgn sdey k...u r still superb to me =D

    
To all my tutees, thank you for the wonderful moments that we shared together. I can't promise I would be the same person that you used to know because PEOPLE CHANGE. The only thing that would not change is the fact that we used to be one happy family before and whatever I did, my actions, words, feelings towards you are real...not fake ;)

annual dinner...tq 4 d cake guys =)

class photo...omg, i'm so stiff..haha~

Salam~

 Assalamualaikum W.B.T

One thing I forgot to consider when I decided to be a teacher is the fact that a TEACHER is a PUBLIC FIGURE in the institution that he/she works at. Yes, I knew that a teacher deals with people so to say that he/she she would be the centre of attention. But I thought that would be only in the classroom , as in the time when he/she is teaching. That's all I am prepared for.

Knowing that I would still be the centre of attention even after working hours i.e. the time I spend in the community, I never thought that people would "CARE" that much about me. I don't expect tehat people would seriously concern about me and my life to the extent that they keep record about "the place I go to", "the person I go out with", "the person I talk to", "the stuffs I do" etc.

Actually, I have no problems with that. The problem arose when they started speculating things. They created stories about me and the persons surround me. Again, I don't mind if they "SELL" good stories but you know, "BAD, CONTROVERSIAL" stories sold faster aite. So, what to do. Oopps, maybe I forgot that I am in a CELEBRITY WORLD now. Believe or not...heh~

But still, some stories do hurt my feelings and also the feelings of some people who are close to me. I am so upset of what had happened and I feel extremely disappointed with the person who spread such rumors. Yet,  I also know I have no rights to stop people from talking about me. The only right I have now is to minimize potential rumors. I should be more careful with my actions so as to eliminate source of "unwanted" stories. This is to say that perhaps, I should change...to a better person...iAllah.

So, to the people whom I used to be close to before, I am sorry if in the future, you find that I have become a slightly different person. It's not that I have stopped myself form "CARE" about you...but it's because I do not want you and the person near you to be "HURT", just like me. You know, gossips could KILL...heh! So,  whatever it is, I hope it's for the sake of everyone's happiness...insyaAllah.

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

This year marked it's own history in my journey of life as it's the first time for me to celebrate birthday more than twice...

Personally, I am not the type who fancy this "celebration" thingy....

Or maybe I should say, "it's not my CULTURE" haha...

However, last year itself I celebrated it twice =)

And this year, as a teacher-cum-lecturer, I celebrated it four times...what a number, aite...heh~

First

Date : 5th November 2010

Day : Friday

Time : 9.30 p.m.

Venue : Noodle Station, Kuala Terengganu

Description : 

The event was organized by a particular student and my KT besties: Zati n Salma =)

Yes, it was 2 weeks before the actual date and the reason being, they worried if they did not have time to do it later on since my birthday falls during school holidays...

So, basically...they had a successful surprise I guess...thumbs up!! haha...

It's just that...sometimes, I could sense things okay my dears...

So...don't ever trigger me kay (^_^)

Second

Date : 8th November 2010

Day : Monday

Time : 10.00 p.m.

Venue : Sri Wangsa Restaurant, Gong Badak, Kuala Terengganu

Description : 

The celebration was only a part of the big event: TESL 3 Annual Dinner.
It was organized by my beloved tutees...(omg, luckily they did this...or else...dont know what to say about them...haha...*evil laugh*)
I taught THE surprise was directed to Mr. O.D. but suddenly they sang a birthday song...
I seriously wondered if Mr. O.D.'s birthday was on that particular date...
But then again...GOTCHA...it turned out to be for me...
"surprise la sangat yer" haha...
Whatever it is, I really appreciate that my dears...
and as a sign of appreciation, I did what I did...(suap-menyuap kek ha....hahadoii)
Frankly speaking, I rarely did that to just anybody...so to say that "they are not just anybody to me"...huhu...

Third

Date : 12th November 2010

Day : Friday

Time : 10.00 p.m.

Venue : Paradise Deluxe, Kuala Terengganu

Description :
The celebration was again a part of the big event: Math 1 Annual Dinner.
Actually, to be frank, the moment a few of them insisted me on attending this dinner had itself triggered me...
But, I would say that they had carried out the surprise so smoothly that I did not notice things...haha
From one side, I felt awkward to be part of their event but from another side, I felt honoured and appreciated...
So, basically...I would like to say "Thank You!!"

Fourth

Date : 19th November 2010

Day : Friday

Time : 10.00 p.m.

Venue : Kampung Jenjarom, Kuala Langat
Description:
Aha...this was the REAL celebration because it was done on the day itself...huhu...
Actually, I had no intention to celebrate it at a large scale...my family would do...
But, since my uncle was holding a feast, we (read: my cousin, who celebrated her birthday on the 18th, and I) decided to join in the celebration...
We bought 2 cakes and ended up not specifying the cakes to any particular individuals because we have a few cousins who celebrated birthday in November...
Basically, whoever were there would have all rights to blow the candle together...weeeeee =D
I hope that this very first event-like-this could be done in annual basis because it's not merely a typical celebration but more to family gathering...iAllah

So, that's basically it is for this year...
Alhamdulillah...indeed, I feel so blessed...
Thanks to ALL...muahhhhh...

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

In 2 weeks time, I had involved in 2 accidents...
1 involving cars...
another 1 involving motorcycles...
but none caused any external bleeding...alhamdulillah...
what I learnt is both are SIGNS from GOD...yeah...SIGNS or REMINDER from HIM...

1st accident
Date : 9th November 2010 (10 days before my Bday)
Day : Tuesday
Time : 11.15 a.m.
Location : Kuala Terengganu (right in front of the college's gate)
Description :
- two cars were involved: Red Persona (ours) and Blue Saga (theirs).
- we were at the junction - about to turn right - didn't see the Blue Saga heading to us due to busy road - panic and stopped at the middle of the road right after we noticed the car - being hit by the Saga - the end!
- luckily we were all safe except the fact that the Persona needed to get the two doors and the dashboard changed and I got bruises on my knee and my two fingers.

2nd accident
Date : 23rd November 2010 (4 days after my Bday)
Day : Tuesday
Time : 9.15 a.m.
Location : Banting (at the car's garage)
Description:
- two motorcycles were involved: Yamaha Nouvo (mine) and Yamaha RXZ (my bro's).
- i incidently hit the parked RXZ because the Nouvo's starter didn't function well that i couldn't control it well.
- luckily nothing serious happened except the fact that the front part of Nouvo's is broken and my brother put THE face knowing that someone 'hurt' his beloved bike...but, like it purposely did it...duhh...

Fasbeer sabran jameela..

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Alhamdulillah....how time flies...

I have survived my 1st year of teaching...

I do not know how I did that...

(because I don't have the chance to read and "khatam" any particular book about it...heh) 

but somehow or rather...I managed to complete that...

There are so many stories that I would like to share here...

Some are work-related...some are personal-related...

But in this one month, I'll try my best to record every single memorable experience that I had during that period of time...

Sweet memories, nightmare, happiness, sadness, laughter, tears...all mixed up...

But one thing for sure...I LEARNT A LOT from this experience and thanks to YOU who'd become part of that experience ;)

So, check it out later kay!!!

 

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

First of all, I would like to wish all the teachers and students in Malaysia...HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

OMG, I feel so blessed to be given this opportunity...again!!

Enough of work...penats kot...

I need rest...haha~

Actually, I know that I have been a passive blogger these days...

So, blame the time and internet connection factors...haha..*evil laugh*

Plus, I am still traumatize kot..of what had happened last few months...

Tapi kan, do i care...i still love expressing myself...

So, the only way is to blog...coz i know i am free to say anything and about everything...

It's just that I have to be a bit more careful this time...

Also, I have decided not to delete whatever I have written in this blog...

If people were to read and to speculate things...let it be...

If they really want to know the truth...I believe they will ask about it...

The moment they choose to assume, I guess I couldn't help it but to give them the rights to do so...

I am so tired of "trying to explain" things...

Enough kot...that's what i did only during working hours...haha...

Okay...enough for this entry...

I'll write more...for sure...iAllah :)

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I know it's not an easy thing to do...

but I have to do it...slowly...gradually...

Though I am not sure if it's gonna be a permanent change...I do not know...at least at this point...

For some matters, especially when it involves feelings, do not take it very personally and seriously.... 

forget your loser-sensitive feeling... 

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Do not meddle into other people's business, esp. personal matters...although your intention is to care for them...they do not like it...

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Do not share every story of yours to others...you'll bore them..

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

If you do something for someone, never expect anything in return...and never assume that they'll do the same thing for you if you happen to be in the same situation as them...remember, we are all different...

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Focus on your relationship with ALLAH, FAMILY and WORK...not to forget, keep a good relationship with the persons that surrounds you for you'll definitely depend on them someday..somehow..

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

I do not know where this kind of resolutions will take me to...

It might sound professional in one way..and selfish in another way...

But, I hope this is the best for now...

But if it is not, I pray that Allah will show me the right way of doing things...

For I am tired...figuring it out by myself...

May Allah bless me...forever...iAllah~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Do not ask me why...for I don't have the answer...

Maybe because I could not take it anymore...
Maybe because I am tired of pretending...
Maybe because I can no longer endure the pain...
Maybe...Maybe...
I do not know...really I do!

Maybe I have changed...
Maybe I have realized my mistakes...
Maybe I cannot be the person I thought I could be...
Maybe...Maybe...
I do not know...really I do!

But I did learn may things from this...
I learnt that I should never assume things...
I learnt that I should have avoided things if I knew from the beginning that I could not tolerate with it...or I should learn from the beginning how to tolerate with it...
I learnt that I should not think highly of myself...that people can actually live without me...that I am not that important...
I learnt that I should stop trying hard to please others when they do not actually need that...
and the most important thing is...
I learnt that ALLAH IS THE BEST for He will there for me anytime anywhere...
and He's The Only One who is able to help me...

and for that, I thank You Allah...for this test....
but, seriously..please give me whatever it takes to face this trial...
I beg You...please....

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Hati kalau dah rajuk…

Memang sukar dipujuk…

Aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa keadaan boleh jadi segenting ini…

Akukah yang terlalu tinggi meletak harapan…

Atau merekakah yang tak pernah menghargai aku…

Tapi sejak bila pula aku jadi manusia yang dahagakan penghargaan…

Atau aku sebenarnya inginkan sesuatu yang mereka tak mampu beri…

Entahlah, aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa aku jadi demanding sebegini…

Aku bukan marah…apatah lagi membenci…

Aku cuma terkilan hati…

Bila diri seolah tersorong pipi…

Tapi respons langsung mereka tak beri…

Benar, suatu ketika dulu…

Aku memang berusaha untuk menyayangi…

Kerana hanya perbezaan yang aku lihat antara kami…

Tapi, setelah perasaan itu aku kecapi…

Mereka seakan menjauh lari…

Dan aku penat mengejar lagi…

Penat kerana aku rasa hanya aku seorang yang menarik tali…

Walau aku tahu…itu bukan fakta hakiki…

Sekarang aku hanya mampu menanti…

Agar masa mampu merungkai segala misteri…

Dalam perhubungan kami…

Moga magika Tuhan bisa mengubah realiti…

Suatu hari nanti…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

stucked...

don't know how to get out from here...

lost...

don't know how to get back on track...

empty...

don't know how to get it filled...again...

help...

i just need help...please...My Lord...

because i can't continue living like this...

it's meaningless...

and thus not the purpose of my creation...i know that...

S.O.S. PLEASE..

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Okay...enuf of that sad melancholic story... I know it's my blog and thus it's my right to write whatever I like but too much of such stories wouldn't change anything rite...So, it's time for different genre now...huhu...

Em...let's talk about my graduation day...

Yeah, i know2...it's expired already....BUT as long as I haven't got the pictures yet, I could still consider that as fresh, right...haha...like I care..heh~

Actually, nothing much to tell here...

But, after all, I feel really happy that I managed to do it...

Alhamdulillah....praise be to Allah for making this happen...

I really enjoy this 5 and a half year course...the knowledge i gained, the place i've been, the people i met...everything...everything is just awesome....

And as a bonus, being a top scholar for my uni...that is the biggest 'bomb' i think...

You know, I thought that era has ended 8 years ago...

But who knows, Allah still give me the chance to 'be' and 'feel' that...

and I am really grateful for that...especially thinking that my parents would also be happy with that fact...Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal...

But, there's so many things I failed to do during my graduation day...

1st: taking pictures with my beloved parents...wearing that robe...

2nd: having small talk with Pamela and take at least a picture with her...

3rd: spending more time with my beloved friends whom I missed so much...and take pictures with them...

4th: taking pictures with my unimates...

5th: seeing my beloved lecturers, thanking him and her personally and taking pictures with them....

Hmm....basically I am not satisfied with myself...

I don't know why but I think the day turned out being so hectic that I missed doing so many things...

Happy inside but at the same time feel disappointed...

But, that's life....nothing is perfect aite...

Whatever it is, I AM FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY GRADUATED....YEAY!!!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I just don’t understand why am I becoming too engrossed in writing recently…
Was it the influence of The Vampire Diaries…I don’t know…haha
But, if I could recall it clearly, actually I’ve started writing 8 years ago…that time I was in a boarding school…
It’s the first time I’ve been ‘kept’ in a place where I’ve got to be very careful as to whom I could ‘share’ stories…

There are some stories that you could just tell anybody and there are certain things that you have got to be picky as to whom you could reveal things and to what extent your revelation should be..
And that act could trap you as well because you can’t afford to know everybody inside out…so, you could have made a wrong decision…

Solution: I wrote things…things that I angry about, I am not satisfied with…anything….
But, I realized one disadvantage of keeping a diary…what if people happen to ‘find out’ and read things… couldn’t it be a disaster?
So, every time when I finished ‘expressing’ my what-so-ever-feelings, I would tear that piece of paper and get rid of it…
At least, I feel better because I have let things out of my mind, my inner soul…so, it’s less burdensome I guess…

I stopped writing for quite some time…
And I started again…maybe a bit more serious when I was in Sydney back in 2007…3 years ago I guess…
Yeah, people call me ‘jiwang’ or whatever the term is...but, do I care?
I just need a channel to put down my thoughts, my feelings and anything I feel like sharing…
OMG, I couldn’t keep everything to myself…because my mind and my heart have limited capacity…
So, there are things that I keep inside and there are some that I need to let go to at least provide some space for the upcoming ‘things’…
There, one way is to keep a journal…at least you can keep track of it…some kind of an archives I should say..haha
That’s the reason why I blog…

Previously, I used to make it public…
That’s why I never write things bluntly…
I consider my audience…I’ve to be or pretend to be someone whose EQ is of ‘moderate’ level…
But now, after what happened, I don’t think I could make it public anymore…
I am so hurt that it’s hard for me to trust people anymore…at least for now…
I have started becoming skeptical…over so many things…
I know exactly that this isn’t good…but I guess it’s just a reaction towards what happened…
I really wish I could get over it soon…I hope so

As much as I hate to remember things, I just couldn’t forget it…at least that easily…
Whatever I did or of think of, I don’t know but my brilliant mind would always make this kind of connection to continuously reactivate my schemata of it…
And every time the thought came across my mind, I would feel hurt…
I don’t know how long would it take for me to be fully recovered but I really wish Allah will help me get through this…
Perhaps, my soul is empty right now that Allah gave me this test…
Yeah..maybe…
At least that’s what I choose to think…

I think I just want to start fresh…anew…
Maybe, I am ignoring things… but, that’s what I choose to do…
I hope there’ll be no regret…
Yeah, maybe I am a coward…because I didn’t try…
But can I just choose not to try…
I hope no one would pressure me…
Because I just do not like doing things that is not me…
I hope this is the best…
Allah, please guide me…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

The reason she is who she is today is merely because she is overly protective of her own feelings…
Of all the feelings, the one that she fears the most is the feeling of being rejected and hurt…

On the surface, she may look tough and rough…
Maybe, that’s what she always portrays or should she say “trying” to portray…
When in real fact, she is not…she never was…
Indeed, she is so fragile…to the extent that one could never imagine it could be of a person by “THE” name…
I guess, everything that people see on the first side is merely a shield to cover up who she is actually…
Maybe…maybe…I don’t know…
Because she has got this remark about her saying that “what you see is not what you get”…
That somehow indicates that she is not who she truly is if people were to judge her only from the first meeting…at least that’s what her friend said…and she admits there’s truth in it…somehow…

She always thinks that she is not easy…she is complicated…
Basically, she is not trying to be dramatic here by using such a cliché word…but, she really thinks that’s the word to describe her…especially when it comes to her feelings and how strong of an influence it has on her actions…

Not many people can understand her…and in fact, she bets if there’s any…
And she doesn’t expect anyone to be one also…because she feels that’s just being too demanding…
I don’t know…
But even if no one could understand her…one thing she really wishes she could get from someone close to her or her life partner (insyaAllah) is the support or the respect for whatever decision that she made or wants to make…
Even though her decision will appear so illogical and nonsense to others, she wishes she has this “tactful” angel, telling her how she could possibly consider other options rather than imposing hers…
She knows, this again shows how selfish she is but that’s how ‘this person’ works…
She is egocentric ok…She hate listening people telling her what to do especially when she knew exactly what to do…the more she’s being told, the more she’ll show her reluctance to follow…That’s her if people want to know…

So, saying that you love her and at the same time not at least trying to understand her or showing respect for her decision…is actually an act of hurting her feelings…
She knows exactly things are not easy on the other side because this is not the first time she faced such situation…
So, she thinks open up is not the best way to at least soothe her for now…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Alhamdulillah, I feel really greatful as God has finally helped me to 'wake up' from this 'nightmare'...
Yes, i still could not forget what has happened...
but yet...

i still feel loved...

Thanks Allah for letting me be here...
sorrounded by these people...
I am really thankful...

MasyaAllah...
Allah, YOU are so GREAT...
It's never difficult for YOU to change my mood from such gloomy day to a glittering night...
In just a split second, HE managed to change everything...
Thank you Allah...thank you...
alhamdulillah...

Salam~

i'm tired...
tired of acting as if nothing happened...
tired of putting a happy face when my heart has actually shattered into pieces and yet to be repaired...

i don't know how to describe my feelings rite now...
i'm so damn sad and dissappointed...
i feel like i've lost some parts of me...
even sadder thinking that i've lost it to someone that i shouldn't...

i think this is the most trying times for me...
so many things happen at once...
and i couldn't handle things well...

sometimes, i feel like a psycho...
i'm lost...
God, please give strength...
i'm so fragile rite now that even a small things could make me emo and pissed off and sad...
help me..please...

Allah, please help me...
i am so hurt...
deeply hurt...
please Allah...please heal me...i beg u...

i'm so weak...
i feel like crying...
i feel like hugging You....
hold You tight in my arms...
for i'm so helpless right now...

o Allah...i miss You...
i need You...
really...really...
please...

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I may be able to forgive...but to forget...that's never easy for me...
I don't know how and why, but THAT person has indirectly made an impact on me...
Everytime i remember something related to IT, my heart aches...literally...
Even though i have decided to move on, things won't be as easy as i want it to be because every moment, there'll be something that would trigger that memory...and again it really hurts...

And things get worse when people around you doesn't really understand you...
saying things that you didn't fancy listening to...at least at this phase...
i don't know...maybe i'm just too fragile...yes, i think i am, now...
even if they didn't mean to purposely hurt me, at times like this, it does...
who am i to expect everyone to understand me...

Actually, i tried 'my best' to look OK in front of the other...
but the thought of IT, sometimes make me feel sad, disappointed, angry and basically negative feelings...
i don't even have the mood to facebooking like i always do...because it hurts to think that it's the source of my 'frustration' rite now...
i even make my blog private...because i think since that incident, my privacy has been invaded...or i should say 'hijacked'...
i've become paranoid now...adoiii...

But, on top of that, i always believe that there's always hikmah for everything that happened...
i've get the short-term one...and i'm looking forward for the long-term one...
I know Allah is never mean...He loves me more than I love HIM....many2 times more than I do...
i hope this is a turning point for me to have a better life..insyaAllah

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

If you don't know how it feels like to be cheated, let me tell u, it hurts. It really is. Especially when it's done by someone you never expect.

Angry is not the word...what more hate. But it's more to disappointment... a great disappointment. I really feel like a loser... the MAJOR one...

But thanks anyway... At least you've helped me find what I've lost for so long...
Thanks so much dear...

Don't worry, I won't blame u...it's my mistake...So, serve me right...
At least I learnt many things from this...

That, there are some people who'll stand up for you, support you...
That, i should be very careful with everyone, even those who seem harmless...
That, Allah is always there for me...to listen to me, everytime, everywhere...it's just me who often neglect Him...

I don't know...but i feel so weak inside...my heart is aching, my body is trembling, my head is spinning.... i just hope things will get better once i wake up tomorrow morning...

But, i'll surely remember this moment in my life...i'll always do...

Salam~

p/s: i'm sorry fren...i'm not like you and cud never b one...i don't want to be a superhero trying to solve everything... i juts want to be me..sorry..

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Yup...aku tau mmg x elok aku off-task time kerja...aku tau...x berkat semua tu..
tapi, aku betul2 lost skrg...aku x boleh concentrate pada apa yang aku lakukan...
fikiran sangat kacau...
buktinya mudah...aku dh post 3 entri hari ni...sth yg aku x pernah buat kot b4 this esp. once aku start kerja...

aku tak tahu apa yang aku fikir skrg...
tp hati aku sgt x tenang...
hati pedih...
kepala berat...
fikiran menerawang...

aku tau aku patutnya b'skp professional...
personal is personal...
work is work...
and aku tau aku dh bw personal matters dlm waktu kerja...which i know is unethical...
tapi aku seriuosly out of place skrg...
ni je cara aku nak express ketidakwarasan aku.... if x, kesian la org yg kene dengar bebelan aku...
but in fact, aku x rasa ade org yg btul2 faham keadaan skrg...
so, i better keep it to myself first...
skrg, aku hnya fikir laut, lagu dan i feel like crying...

Allah, campakkanlah ketenangan dalam hatiku....moga aku mampu 'berfikir' dengan baik...aminn

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone..
(quote unquote)


but, in my condition like this, how could I be someone to HIM...

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Mengingati saat itu memang buat aku amat sakit sekarang...
Sakit yang tak nampak....tapi cukup untuk buat aku terseksa...
Sebenarnya, bukan salah sesiapa pun..tapi aku sendiri...
Ini jalan yang aku pilih... walau sebenarnya hati x merelai...
Kenapa ya, aku kalah dengan hawa nafsu...lemahnya aku...

Ya Allah, tolonglah aku... pandulah aku ke jalan-Mu...
yang telah lama aku 'tinggalkan'...
aku tak mampu terus begini...
hatiku makin layu...

Namun, aku masih bersyukur...
kerna Kau masih mahu mengetuk pintu hatiku...
Terima kasih Tuhan :)

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

It's been a while since the last time I updated this blog. It's not that I don't want to but I just don't have the chance to do so. But today, despite the work that I should be doing and completing, I squeeze some time to write something here. I think I have enough of facebooking for now because sometimes, there's something that you should not make it public... at least too public to anyone you know to read... Yeah, it's my bad actually to treat fb the same way as I treat my blog... Maybe I should be more careful after this... I guess, that just happened out of desperation...

It's been 3 months now... and working life is tremendously different from student's life... While yes, I have started earning money now... but at the same time, I need to sacrifice a few things in my life... This 3 months has been very challenging for me... physically and mentally.The only thing that makes me happy at the moment is being with the students... I think that's merely because I see them as my brothers and sisters. Actually, I learn a lot from them...especially on how to be a good sister...something that I have yet to become after 17 years...

I actually want to write more and more... I want to express everything that I feel...everything that I reflect on... everything... so that I could feel better... But, maybe some other time...

To tell the truth, being able to write this piece of entry is enough to give me a sense of relief... Fyi, it's not 'teaching' that keeps me going...for I think I'm not a good teacher... But it's the 'feeling' that I have when I talk to the students...try to understand them...care for them... that's priceless... In this sense, I think I now understand why God leads me to this path...alhamdulillah :)

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Hello everybody! I hope all of us are doing fine no matter where we are right now. I am currently in Terengganu, a state where I found many interesting stories. Actually, I don’t know whether the interesting part come from the place itself, or it’s me who make everything looks interesting in my eyes =) This may be so perhaps because this is the first time I’ve been away from my place, my comfort zone. Last two years, when I was overseas, the feeling was a bit different because at that time I knew already and I sort of have set my mind to expect “the difference” between my country and the foreign land. But this time, when I first stepped my foot on the land some called it as “Darul Runtuh” (no offense please anyone…some Terengganu people actually mentioned that to me), I do not know what to expect. So any experiences that I had here feel so fresh, new and interesting so to say because I never had it anywhere else before.

Somehow, to a certain extent, I feel really greatful to be here. Praise be to Allah for arranging such kind of ‘fate’ for me. Though at times, I still have this feeling of “disbelief” that I am actually here and will spend few years of my life here, I am indeed happy with it. To tell you the truth, I actually wonder how can I feel so positive towards the fact that I need to be far away from my loved ones…ever since I received the placement letter. Even now, I wonder why am I willing to stay here for five-days-holidays when I am capable of going back to my hometown. Never in my life before that I would choose not to go back home whenever I am on holidays (except when I was overseas). But, that’s what happening now. I guess this is all God’s job. When I reflect back of what’s happening, I suddenly remember that I once prayed that if I am not getting a nearby place to start my career, I really wish that wherever I will be, I hope that Allah will give me these two things: safety and peace. Alhamdulillah, Allah gives me both. So far, I would say that the place I am currently at is considered as safe. And I didn’t expect the “peace” part would come like this. This feeling is so “powerful” that I didn’t expect it to have a total control of my life right now. I just realized that any “awkwardness” or whatever “changes” in my behavior and attitudes are the results of the “peace and tranquility” that God has sent to me to soothe my heart. MasyaAllah, what a blessing! Thank you Allah!

Now, what can I say is just that I am coping quite well with my new life in the new surroundings. I like my workplace, my colleagues, my housemates, my students, and Terengganu in general. I guess God is kind enough to let me have this kind of experience so that I could broaden my view and perception of life, so I could clear any prejudices that I had before towards certain people and places, so I could in the end be a very “open-minded” individual and most importantly not an egocentric one. That’s what I see for now and I am very looking forward to discover the many-more-interesting-facts that I believe God has prepared for me. I know this journey won’t be as easy as I want it to be, but I guess as long as Allah is there for me, I think life is just nothing without any challenges. For me, it’s from those obstacles that we learnt something about life and thus made the journey such a meaningful one especially for the benefits of the life in the hereafter.


To my family, my mom especially, you don't have to worry about me. Alhamdulillah, I am OK here. Although we are far by physical distance, yet it feels so near at heart. Just pray for me because it's the prayers that will safeguard me from anything. InsyaAllah, He will look after me on your behalf :) To my beloved friends, enjoy your stay wherever you are and insyaAllah, we will somehow rock the world in our very own way. All the best ya :)

Salam~

p/s: Now, I am 85% sure that I am “ok” with the fact that I am actually a “teacher”. I’ll definitely mark the day when I am 100% confident to say that I DESERVED TO BE A TEACHER =)

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

aku tak tahu syaitan apa yang dah merasuk kepala otak dia...
mungkin syaitan besar...atau dia sendiri yang jadi syaitan itu...
aku bukanlah nak cakap kasar di sini, tapi mengikut hawa nafsu itu bukankah dorongan syaitan...

yang pasti aku sangat marah dan kecewa dengan sikap dia...
aku memang pantang orang cakap kasar, meninggikan suara, membentak-bentak, atau yang sewaktu dengannya...lebih-lebih lagi pada orang yang aku sayang...
aku tak nafikan, aku memang jenis cakap kasar atau tinggi suara pada orang-orang terdekat, tapi bukanlah dalam kategori macam ni...cakap penuh marah dan hatred...

aku sangat berharap setan itu akan cepat pergi tak ganggu dia lagi...
aku tak sanggup tengok dia terus menyetan lagi sebab aku sayangkan dia...
aku cuma harap suatu hari nanti dia akan "bebas-setan" since aku juga tak boleh expect dia jadi malaikat...
yang penting, aku mahu dia belajar menghargai orang-orang sekeliling and most importantly Tuhan dia...in case dia lupa selama ni dia tu cuma hamba saja...

“Ya Allah, aku mohon kau bantu dia keluar dalam dunia gila itu. Aku mohon Kau beri petunjuk kepadanya sebelum terlambat.Amin”

p/s: tak pasal2 aku terpaksa pendingkan hasrat untuk update pasal diri sendiri dan tak pasal2 juga aku guna "aku" dalam blog...something yang aku memang cuba elak sebab bagi aku, kata ganti nama itu hanya aku guna dengan orang2 terdekat...bukan di alam maya seperti ini. mungkin sebab aku terlalu emosi sekarang...

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

And now I discover another thing that irritates me. I hate it to the max when I have to shoulder another person's responsibility when the person is actually capable of handling it.

For me, each and everyone of us has our own set of responsibilities. When we are assigned with specific role or choose to do it, we have to be ready to carry any responsibilities that come along with it. I knew, there will be times when we would be incapable to handle all the responsibilities that we have on the list. So, that's the time when we ask for help. However, even when someone helps you to do your duty, you should never forget the fact that "it's still my duty and the person is just helping". So, be considerate. Don't let your duty be a burden to a person who is just trying to help you.

I don't know but I suddenly think that being a responsible individual is a very important quality of a good person. If we could be responsible to our own self, to our parents, our siblings, our families, our friends, our colleagues, our clients, our surroundings and most importantly our Creator, life wouldn't be so difficult Iguess. But I have to admit that the RESPONSIBILITIES I am taking about is in capital letters. So, mind you that performing it is not as easy as pronouncing it. But for a start, let us just mind our own business. I'll take care of my R, and you take care of yours...heh~

Salam~