Assalamualaikum W.B.T

stucked...

don't know how to get out from here...

lost...

don't know how to get back on track...

empty...

don't know how to get it filled...again...

help...

i just need help...please...My Lord...

because i can't continue living like this...

it's meaningless...

and thus not the purpose of my creation...i know that...

S.O.S. PLEASE..

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Okay...enuf of that sad melancholic story... I know it's my blog and thus it's my right to write whatever I like but too much of such stories wouldn't change anything rite...So, it's time for different genre now...huhu...

Em...let's talk about my graduation day...

Yeah, i know2...it's expired already....BUT as long as I haven't got the pictures yet, I could still consider that as fresh, right...haha...like I care..heh~

Actually, nothing much to tell here...

But, after all, I feel really happy that I managed to do it...

Alhamdulillah....praise be to Allah for making this happen...

I really enjoy this 5 and a half year course...the knowledge i gained, the place i've been, the people i met...everything...everything is just awesome....

And as a bonus, being a top scholar for my uni...that is the biggest 'bomb' i think...

You know, I thought that era has ended 8 years ago...

But who knows, Allah still give me the chance to 'be' and 'feel' that...

and I am really grateful for that...especially thinking that my parents would also be happy with that fact...Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal...

But, there's so many things I failed to do during my graduation day...

1st: taking pictures with my beloved parents...wearing that robe...

2nd: having small talk with Pamela and take at least a picture with her...

3rd: spending more time with my beloved friends whom I missed so much...and take pictures with them...

4th: taking pictures with my unimates...

5th: seeing my beloved lecturers, thanking him and her personally and taking pictures with them....

Hmm....basically I am not satisfied with myself...

I don't know why but I think the day turned out being so hectic that I missed doing so many things...

Happy inside but at the same time feel disappointed...

But, that's life....nothing is perfect aite...

Whatever it is, I AM FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY GRADUATED....YEAY!!!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I just don’t understand why am I becoming too engrossed in writing recently…
Was it the influence of The Vampire Diaries…I don’t know…haha
But, if I could recall it clearly, actually I’ve started writing 8 years ago…that time I was in a boarding school…
It’s the first time I’ve been ‘kept’ in a place where I’ve got to be very careful as to whom I could ‘share’ stories…

There are some stories that you could just tell anybody and there are certain things that you have got to be picky as to whom you could reveal things and to what extent your revelation should be..
And that act could trap you as well because you can’t afford to know everybody inside out…so, you could have made a wrong decision…

Solution: I wrote things…things that I angry about, I am not satisfied with…anything….
But, I realized one disadvantage of keeping a diary…what if people happen to ‘find out’ and read things… couldn’t it be a disaster?
So, every time when I finished ‘expressing’ my what-so-ever-feelings, I would tear that piece of paper and get rid of it…
At least, I feel better because I have let things out of my mind, my inner soul…so, it’s less burdensome I guess…

I stopped writing for quite some time…
And I started again…maybe a bit more serious when I was in Sydney back in 2007…3 years ago I guess…
Yeah, people call me ‘jiwang’ or whatever the term is...but, do I care?
I just need a channel to put down my thoughts, my feelings and anything I feel like sharing…
OMG, I couldn’t keep everything to myself…because my mind and my heart have limited capacity…
So, there are things that I keep inside and there are some that I need to let go to at least provide some space for the upcoming ‘things’…
There, one way is to keep a journal…at least you can keep track of it…some kind of an archives I should say..haha
That’s the reason why I blog…

Previously, I used to make it public…
That’s why I never write things bluntly…
I consider my audience…I’ve to be or pretend to be someone whose EQ is of ‘moderate’ level…
But now, after what happened, I don’t think I could make it public anymore…
I am so hurt that it’s hard for me to trust people anymore…at least for now…
I have started becoming skeptical…over so many things…
I know exactly that this isn’t good…but I guess it’s just a reaction towards what happened…
I really wish I could get over it soon…I hope so

As much as I hate to remember things, I just couldn’t forget it…at least that easily…
Whatever I did or of think of, I don’t know but my brilliant mind would always make this kind of connection to continuously reactivate my schemata of it…
And every time the thought came across my mind, I would feel hurt…
I don’t know how long would it take for me to be fully recovered but I really wish Allah will help me get through this…
Perhaps, my soul is empty right now that Allah gave me this test…
Yeah..maybe…
At least that’s what I choose to think…

I think I just want to start fresh…anew…
Maybe, I am ignoring things… but, that’s what I choose to do…
I hope there’ll be no regret…
Yeah, maybe I am a coward…because I didn’t try…
But can I just choose not to try…
I hope no one would pressure me…
Because I just do not like doing things that is not me…
I hope this is the best…
Allah, please guide me…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

The reason she is who she is today is merely because she is overly protective of her own feelings…
Of all the feelings, the one that she fears the most is the feeling of being rejected and hurt…

On the surface, she may look tough and rough…
Maybe, that’s what she always portrays or should she say “trying” to portray…
When in real fact, she is not…she never was…
Indeed, she is so fragile…to the extent that one could never imagine it could be of a person by “THE” name…
I guess, everything that people see on the first side is merely a shield to cover up who she is actually…
Maybe…maybe…I don’t know…
Because she has got this remark about her saying that “what you see is not what you get”…
That somehow indicates that she is not who she truly is if people were to judge her only from the first meeting…at least that’s what her friend said…and she admits there’s truth in it…somehow…

She always thinks that she is not easy…she is complicated…
Basically, she is not trying to be dramatic here by using such a cliché word…but, she really thinks that’s the word to describe her…especially when it comes to her feelings and how strong of an influence it has on her actions…

Not many people can understand her…and in fact, she bets if there’s any…
And she doesn’t expect anyone to be one also…because she feels that’s just being too demanding…
I don’t know…
But even if no one could understand her…one thing she really wishes she could get from someone close to her or her life partner (insyaAllah) is the support or the respect for whatever decision that she made or wants to make…
Even though her decision will appear so illogical and nonsense to others, she wishes she has this “tactful” angel, telling her how she could possibly consider other options rather than imposing hers…
She knows, this again shows how selfish she is but that’s how ‘this person’ works…
She is egocentric ok…She hate listening people telling her what to do especially when she knew exactly what to do…the more she’s being told, the more she’ll show her reluctance to follow…That’s her if people want to know…

So, saying that you love her and at the same time not at least trying to understand her or showing respect for her decision…is actually an act of hurting her feelings…
She knows exactly things are not easy on the other side because this is not the first time she faced such situation…
So, she thinks open up is not the best way to at least soothe her for now…

Salam~