Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Alhamdulillah, I feel really greatful as God has finally helped me to 'wake up' from this 'nightmare'...
Yes, i still could not forget what has happened...
but yet...

i still feel loved...

Thanks Allah for letting me be here...
sorrounded by these people...
I am really thankful...

MasyaAllah...
Allah, YOU are so GREAT...
It's never difficult for YOU to change my mood from such gloomy day to a glittering night...
In just a split second, HE managed to change everything...
Thank you Allah...thank you...
alhamdulillah...

Salam~

i'm tired...
tired of acting as if nothing happened...
tired of putting a happy face when my heart has actually shattered into pieces and yet to be repaired...

i don't know how to describe my feelings rite now...
i'm so damn sad and dissappointed...
i feel like i've lost some parts of me...
even sadder thinking that i've lost it to someone that i shouldn't...

i think this is the most trying times for me...
so many things happen at once...
and i couldn't handle things well...

sometimes, i feel like a psycho...
i'm lost...
God, please give strength...
i'm so fragile rite now that even a small things could make me emo and pissed off and sad...
help me..please...

Allah, please help me...
i am so hurt...
deeply hurt...
please Allah...please heal me...i beg u...

i'm so weak...
i feel like crying...
i feel like hugging You....
hold You tight in my arms...
for i'm so helpless right now...

o Allah...i miss You...
i need You...
really...really...
please...

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I may be able to forgive...but to forget...that's never easy for me...
I don't know how and why, but THAT person has indirectly made an impact on me...
Everytime i remember something related to IT, my heart aches...literally...
Even though i have decided to move on, things won't be as easy as i want it to be because every moment, there'll be something that would trigger that memory...and again it really hurts...

And things get worse when people around you doesn't really understand you...
saying things that you didn't fancy listening to...at least at this phase...
i don't know...maybe i'm just too fragile...yes, i think i am, now...
even if they didn't mean to purposely hurt me, at times like this, it does...
who am i to expect everyone to understand me...

Actually, i tried 'my best' to look OK in front of the other...
but the thought of IT, sometimes make me feel sad, disappointed, angry and basically negative feelings...
i don't even have the mood to facebooking like i always do...because it hurts to think that it's the source of my 'frustration' rite now...
i even make my blog private...because i think since that incident, my privacy has been invaded...or i should say 'hijacked'...
i've become paranoid now...adoiii...

But, on top of that, i always believe that there's always hikmah for everything that happened...
i've get the short-term one...and i'm looking forward for the long-term one...
I know Allah is never mean...He loves me more than I love HIM....many2 times more than I do...
i hope this is a turning point for me to have a better life..insyaAllah

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

If you don't know how it feels like to be cheated, let me tell u, it hurts. It really is. Especially when it's done by someone you never expect.

Angry is not the word...what more hate. But it's more to disappointment... a great disappointment. I really feel like a loser... the MAJOR one...

But thanks anyway... At least you've helped me find what I've lost for so long...
Thanks so much dear...

Don't worry, I won't blame u...it's my mistake...So, serve me right...
At least I learnt many things from this...

That, there are some people who'll stand up for you, support you...
That, i should be very careful with everyone, even those who seem harmless...
That, Allah is always there for me...to listen to me, everytime, everywhere...it's just me who often neglect Him...

I don't know...but i feel so weak inside...my heart is aching, my body is trembling, my head is spinning.... i just hope things will get better once i wake up tomorrow morning...

But, i'll surely remember this moment in my life...i'll always do...

Salam~

p/s: i'm sorry fren...i'm not like you and cud never b one...i don't want to be a superhero trying to solve everything... i juts want to be me..sorry..

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Yup...aku tau mmg x elok aku off-task time kerja...aku tau...x berkat semua tu..
tapi, aku betul2 lost skrg...aku x boleh concentrate pada apa yang aku lakukan...
fikiran sangat kacau...
buktinya mudah...aku dh post 3 entri hari ni...sth yg aku x pernah buat kot b4 this esp. once aku start kerja...

aku tak tahu apa yang aku fikir skrg...
tp hati aku sgt x tenang...
hati pedih...
kepala berat...
fikiran menerawang...

aku tau aku patutnya b'skp professional...
personal is personal...
work is work...
and aku tau aku dh bw personal matters dlm waktu kerja...which i know is unethical...
tapi aku seriuosly out of place skrg...
ni je cara aku nak express ketidakwarasan aku.... if x, kesian la org yg kene dengar bebelan aku...
but in fact, aku x rasa ade org yg btul2 faham keadaan skrg...
so, i better keep it to myself first...
skrg, aku hnya fikir laut, lagu dan i feel like crying...

Allah, campakkanlah ketenangan dalam hatiku....moga aku mampu 'berfikir' dengan baik...aminn

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone..
(quote unquote)


but, in my condition like this, how could I be someone to HIM...

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Mengingati saat itu memang buat aku amat sakit sekarang...
Sakit yang tak nampak....tapi cukup untuk buat aku terseksa...
Sebenarnya, bukan salah sesiapa pun..tapi aku sendiri...
Ini jalan yang aku pilih... walau sebenarnya hati x merelai...
Kenapa ya, aku kalah dengan hawa nafsu...lemahnya aku...

Ya Allah, tolonglah aku... pandulah aku ke jalan-Mu...
yang telah lama aku 'tinggalkan'...
aku tak mampu terus begini...
hatiku makin layu...

Namun, aku masih bersyukur...
kerna Kau masih mahu mengetuk pintu hatiku...
Terima kasih Tuhan :)

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

It's been a while since the last time I updated this blog. It's not that I don't want to but I just don't have the chance to do so. But today, despite the work that I should be doing and completing, I squeeze some time to write something here. I think I have enough of facebooking for now because sometimes, there's something that you should not make it public... at least too public to anyone you know to read... Yeah, it's my bad actually to treat fb the same way as I treat my blog... Maybe I should be more careful after this... I guess, that just happened out of desperation...

It's been 3 months now... and working life is tremendously different from student's life... While yes, I have started earning money now... but at the same time, I need to sacrifice a few things in my life... This 3 months has been very challenging for me... physically and mentally.The only thing that makes me happy at the moment is being with the students... I think that's merely because I see them as my brothers and sisters. Actually, I learn a lot from them...especially on how to be a good sister...something that I have yet to become after 17 years...

I actually want to write more and more... I want to express everything that I feel...everything that I reflect on... everything... so that I could feel better... But, maybe some other time...

To tell the truth, being able to write this piece of entry is enough to give me a sense of relief... Fyi, it's not 'teaching' that keeps me going...for I think I'm not a good teacher... But it's the 'feeling' that I have when I talk to the students...try to understand them...care for them... that's priceless... In this sense, I think I now understand why God leads me to this path...alhamdulillah :)

Salam~