.::bias, favouritism, pilih kasih dsb::.

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I never think I am bias before. Back then, I even wonder how teachers in schools could be 'pilih kasih' when they should be fair to all students. But now, wilingly or unwillingly, consciously or unconsciously, I have developed that trait (bias) in me. I think this is essentially evident since I started having nephews 3 years ago. I have 3 nephews of the same age. 2 of them are my sister's and another one is my brother's. Hmmm, as much as I want and I try to be fair with the three of them, I just failed. Sometimes, I just didn't realize that I did favour one of them. You know, it is just difficult to fairly divide your love because love is just abstract. You can't say you really love A, and you also love B with the same degree. As much as you want to deny, you just couldn't. I suddenly remembered this one verse in the Quran:

"Allah tidak menjadikan bagi seseorang dua hati dalam rongganya...." (33:4)

And, back to my biasness. If I like someone, I could like everything about that person. For me, simple unappropriate things that the person did, are always "ok" with me. But, if I don't like someone, I could hate everything about that person. So, even small unappropriate things that the person did could annoy me to the max. Owh, how I just hate to be like this. You know, this feeling often lead me to be prejudice and having bad assumption about that person. If there's something bad happening, I have no one but that person in mind as the first criminal. Bad aite. I don't know how to curb this ill-feeling. Everytime, I just feel like crying because of this habit. As much as I do not want to think bad, my mind will just act evil...not once but many times. I even wonder if this is due to satan's whisper or it is just me being the devil in my inner self. Astaghfirullahala'zim...that's the least I could do everytime my evil thought come. Why I can't be forgiving.....forget everything that the person did so that the stigma could fade away. Owh...owh...owh... How could I deal with this. Now I admit the truth that the most serious desease is when you heart "sick".

And I pray to Allah...help me clean my heart...wipe away its stain...wash away its stink...
Because I can't be happy and peace if the dark shades remain...amin...

Salam~

p/s: Ya Allah, letakkanlah akhirat di hatiku dan dunia di tanganku kerna ku tak bisa menangung keduanya di hatiku. Akulah hamba-Mu yang lemah dan hina...yang sentiasa mengharap keampunan, rahmat dan kasih sayang-Mu. Jangan pernah kau berpaling dariku kerna tanpa-Mu, kan hilang arah tujuku...amin...