.::mixed up::.

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I don't know why but I think I can be too emotional when it comes to "family" issue. Just finished watching a Jdorama entitled Yamada Tarou Monogatari and I found that this series are so touching. And as expected, I did cry..ngee... You may find it weird but for me, one of the criteria for a good story or movie is its ability to make my tears drop...heh. I knew I don't have a strong foundation for my judgement but I guess that's what we called individual preference aite =)

Just called my mom couple of minutes ago. She said that she went for Raya clothes shopping with my father and my sis yesterday. Me? Of course I am jealous....heh. First, I am jealous coz they seems to have fun...(what do I expect...everybody should move on no matter what happens aite...duhh) Second, I am jealous coz mom went shopping with my sister...(another stupid jealousy...jealous with my sister? what the?) Third, they didn't bought me any pairs of clothes...(hmm...I guess they are just being reasonable...Even if they did buy me one, I am not there to wear them aite...stupido) Fourth, my mom said that my sis bought songket and it looks so nice on her...(hmm...I thought the inferior feeling has fade away but to my surprise...it's still there...duhh)

Talking about jealousy...I remembered saying to a friend yesterday about it. I said to her that I wonder how people could feel jealous with their siblings. At that time, I talked as if I never experience it. That's why I think that "feeling" has gone as I grew older. But today, after talking to mom, I just realized that the feeling is still there. That is when I discover that I haven't grown up...I haven't achieve maturity in thinking...*sigh*

Sometimes, I think that I am a very complicated person to be understood. I say no when I mean yes. I say yes when I mean no. That's why I found many people couldn't meet my expectations. They just couldn't read me. I always act happy when I am sad. I always appeared ignorant when I am actually bothered by things. I always say I am ok when I am actually hurt inside. See...how could people easily understand me for I couldn't even figured it myself sometimes.

Hmm...I guess what I better do now is always think positive and at the same time be ready to be dissappointed. For me, the best prevention for not letting my heart to fall into pieces is when I am ready to fail, ready to be rejected, ready to loose. For me, with such kind of "defense mechanism", I could face failure with a smile, with a positive insights that "everything will be all right", with a believe that "there must be a hikmah for all that happened". Had not I do that in the first place, I would definitely loose control and being irrational to deal with things. That's when I hate myself...heh.

Salam~

p/s: It's been a while since the last time I watched Jdorama. I guess I have lost my "momentum" which is somehow good ;P