first phase: I barely made it through. alhamdulillah.

second phase: struggling...

third phase: Allahu a'lam

I thought it's easy. Then only  I realized many things are just very idealistic on the surface.

But I keep believing, 

"Mesti boleh buat, cuma kena kuat dan lebih kuat".

"Jangan dikira berapa banyak air mata yang tumpah...sebab itu bukan ertinya kalah".

"Nak menang memang tak mudah, yang penting jangan mengalah".

Along the way, I only learnt the meaning of "syukur".

I don't know how's life gonna be should I am not a Muslim.

The thought of it always makes me feel so honoured. and again I cried :')

Thank you Allah. Thank you Allah. Thank you Allah. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal~

And again, it's a plain lie if I said I don't feel anything about it.

takut.risau.sedih.keliru.kecikhati.feelinsignificant - are parts and parcel of life this one year.

But again, I keep believing,

"I am doing this for HIM. So, I should not feel worried of anything. 

HE's the one, choosing me to lead this path. 

So, I believe that HE'll protect me, HE'll guide me 

and HE'll make me happy...even if it's not here...later in jannah...in sya Allah."

So, to the 90d2dWnM, Fighting!! 

You can do it babeh!!

Allah kan ada (like what I always told chacha)

In this episode of Love Boat (in conjunction with my birthday celebration giteww..ahaks), I'll share about my tutees and how have I "flourished" with them :)

Frankly speaking, life wasn't easy the first time I got them as tutees. The reasons being: I've spent 6 months getting-to-know the first group. Mind you, that period itself was a struggling period for me. I've to juggle between adapting myself with the environment in Terengganu, with the fact that I am not a teacher but a lecturer, with the fact that my colleagues are way knowledgeable and experienced, with the fact that I have to take care of 33 adults students yadda yadda yadda. With so many things to cope during the first year, alhamdulillah I barely survived my first year here. (I think)

But then, in 2011, THEY decided to reshuffle the classes. Nah, new tutees!! (arghh, susah kot!!) I was dumbfounded when I first looked at the new list. Some are known to me. Some are total strangers. Again, the first year with them was not easy. I could not handle them well. For me, it's a group of people with different traits and personalities. Very different that it creates a continuum. If the first group is difficult, this one is even more. The proof: I cried a lot in my prayers, asking Him for the strength to face every single challenge, to soften their hearts to make me accepted, heard and followed (in some ways). 

Praise be to Him. Indeed, God is great! I never expect such challenge have made me a better, stronger, and happier person.

So many things we did together and those memories are things I could never forget. Here's just a few that I could list.

Birthday prank in 2011 and also a special video :) #habisberbedaksatubadan

Picnic by the beach, eating and playing #picnicdalamhujan

Bullet's Sphere, sharing stories and reminders, reciting Quran #sejukhati

Cool Bullets #semangatkamikazegiteww

BIG in Tabika Banggol!! #glamer uols

Cake and graduation gift for me #terharu

and many more...

For me, it's not what I did with them that matters, but the lessons learnt throughout the journey.

That's very priceless.

And to my kids, here's a special dedication for you, sincerely from the heart :)

(code switching mode is activated. rasa tak feel giteww tulis fully in English...certain things need to be expressed in a more "poyo" mode...ahaha)

Anak-anakku sayang...

denganmu, 

Tuhan mengajar aku erti cinta...

cinta mulia...

bukan cinta buaya :P

denganmu,

Tuhan mengajar aku erti kasih...

kasih sesama hamba...

lambang manifestasi kasih kepada Pencipta...

denganmu, 

Tuhan mengajar aku erti sayang...

memberi tanpa mengharapkan balasan...

cukuplah dengan titipan rasa tenang...

anak-anakku,

terima kasih atas kesempatan waktu...

yang kau beri untuk mengajar aku...

erti perjalanan hidup seorang perindu...

anak-anakku,

hanya satu pintaku...

izinkan aku terus belajar erti cinta, kasih dan sayang darimu...

selagi di izin Tuhan...

moga nantinya...

walau terbatas jarak dan jua waktu...

kita mampu saling mengutus doa...

tanda redha-Nya kita pada sebuah pertemuan suci jiwa-jiwa yang sejahtera...

tulus ikhlas,
bonda :)

*****************************
And yeah, they keep asking for daddy! 
I guess they feel annoyed already...with me bugging them around. 
No daddy means more time I have to bug their life :P
With daddy around, maybe I'll bug them less.
Maybe, that's the reason why they keep asking for daddy :')

The truth it, mummy wants her daddy too but who on earth would want a single mom of 32 kids...hahaha :P
In sya Allah, we plan things but God is indeed the best of all planners.
******************************

To all, my warmest regards to your beloved parents.
Tell them that I could not thank them enough for raising such wonderful kids that would shine the world in their own way...in sya Allah

Take care.
Be great, Be grateful :)

"I am not romantic you know. I never was"

That's Charlotte Lucas's lines in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen :) Though I am not into literature (errk), I could never forget the lines that were repeatedly chanted by Salina, my roommate in IPBA back then. Yes, to a certain extent, I am NOT a romantic-type of person. But, I learnt that sometimes, true feelings should be expressed too...before it's too late ;)

Yesterday was just another day. But it means a lot to me. It's my 26th birthday!!  To say that nothing special happened to me on that day was just a lie. Many things happened. 

With "the Salma", a friend - cum - collegue - cum - sister - cum - advisor - cum -wedding.planner(opps!!) - cum - reflection.partner - cum - everything.one.could.ask.for, we went to few places: JAKEL - Pantai Batu Burok - Tailor - Herbaline - Bus Terminal - Secret Recipe - Tutti Fruti. Oh, it's really another session of girls - day - out - cum - Bachelor Party (ahaks..perasan!!). 

Thanks Salma. Not only for yesterday but the whole period of time we've been through together. 

Yes, I would never deny the fact that people come and go in our life. But, I also believe that that's not a coincidence. Everything has been planned by the Lord. And I could not thank Him enough for sending you in my life. 

Technically, we are very different. Yet, Allah gives us the chance to understand each other. 

With you, I reflected a lot in my life. 

With you, I learnt how differences could complement people.

With you, I learnt to do things I never did in my life.

With you, I learnt how strong one's emotion could be developed given a strong support from the environment.

and there's a lot more that I failed to express here but strongly feel deep inside my heart.

Praise be to Him for the chance given to meet you in my life.

I don't know how long we will be together and how the relationship will be in the future, 

but no matter how things will be in the future, I just want to record the present so I would not forget that you are one of my teachers in my "Sekolah Cinta".

Jazakillah Khairan Kathira ukhti.

For whatever kind of life you'll lead in the future, be it sweet, sour, easy or difficult, I pray that Allah will shower His neverending blessings to you, on you. May you be strong and would not forget the real purpose for us being here, on the Earth. May we meet again in Jannah....in sya Allah...ameen... 

aku hanya manusia biasa
yang menggagahi hari demi hari dengan kudrat izin Si Pencipta
aku cuba tampil "sempurna"
tapi terkadang aku rapuh juga
berkali-kali...bukan sekali cuma
kerana hakikatnya sifat sempurna bukan milik hamba

aku mungkin mampu membohongi kamu dan mereka
tapi aku tak mampu membohongi diri dan Tuhan Maha Esa
ternyata, tak terlawan gelodak jiwa
bila dihenyak perasaan fitrah seorang manusia
aku jadi lemah dan tak berdaya

ya, aku hanya manusia biasa 
yang cuba menjadi luar biasa
yang berusaha mempasakkan cinta pada Si Pengurnia Cinta
biar aku tak lupa apa tujuan aku diciptakan di dunia
walau diasak godaan dunia yang memperdaya
aku kan cuba bertahan demi menuju destinasi cinta, hakikat bahagia

Tuhan, kau kuatkan jiwa hamba
penuhi ia dengan keyakinan bahawa Kau telah tetapkan semuanya
katakan padanya jika Kau akan uruskan segalanya
jadikan ia redha pada segala ketentuan, lambang pengabdian cinta 
sebuah jiwa yang merdeka



"Wahai jiwa yang tenang, kembalilah kepada Tuhanmu dalam keadaan redha dan diredhai"

"Ya Allah, aku memohon petunjuk daripadaMu dengan ilmuMu dan aku memohon ketentuan daripadaMu dengan kekuasaanMu dan aku memohon daripadaMu akan limpah kurniaanMu yang besar. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa sedangkan aku tidak berkuasa dan Engkau Maha Mengetahui sedangkan aku tidak mengetahui dan Engkaulah Yang Maha Mengetahu segala perkara yang ghaib. Ya Allah, seandainya Engkau mengetahui bahawasanya urusan ini adalah baik bagiku pada agamaku, kehidupanku dan kesudahan urusanku sama ada cepat atau lambat, takdirkanlah ia bagiku dan permudahkanlah serta berkatlah bagiku padanya dan seandainya Engkau mengetahui bahawa urusan ini mendatangkan keburukan bagiku pada agamaku, kehidupanku dan kesudahan urusanku sama ada cepat atau lambat, maka jauhkanlah aku daripadanya dan takdirkanlah kebaikan untukku dalam sebarang keadaan sekalipun kemudian redhailah aku dengannya".

This feeling is so undescribable.

I guess it’s LOVE.

I think it’s LOVE.

I believe it’s LOVE.

If what I feel is true, Allah please don’t take this feeling away from me.

This is what I’ve been searching for over the past 25 years.

And I am very contented now.

I know life won’t be easy all the time...challenges are everywhere...and I am not strong too...

but I will always pray that:

for whatever things that could strengthen my love to YOU, please make it easy for me, and make me strong for it...

and for whatever things that could lead me go astray, please protect me from it.

I might be taking baby steps to reach the final destination.

I might fall down once, twice or many times in fact.

But I just do not want to turn back!! I have had enough.

I just want to move forward with a clear direction. very clear one.

I hope my navigation system won’t fail this time...insyaAllah.

[Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).]'' (3:173).

saya sedih hari ini...

mungkin kesedihan terpendam...

oh Tuhan, kurniakanlah sesuatu untuk menyisih segala kesedihan

yang masih tersimpan di lubuk hati paling dalam...

*oh, tahap emosi yang rendah harus diperangi!!

sejak bila saya membenarkan virus2 jahat menguasai diri...

oh diri, belajarlah mensyukuri nikmat tuhan, menikmati sisi bahagia anugerah tuhan...

dan berhentilah mengira-ngira sisi kekurangan...

*semoga esok akan lebih baik dari semalam*

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Siapa tak mahu pulang berkhidmat di tempat sendiri...
Siapa tak mahu dekat dengan chenta hati...
Siapa tak mahu terima tawaran insan yang pernah dan masih dikagumi...
Siapa tak mahu??...siapa tak mahu??...sudah tentu aku mahu jauh di sudut hati..
 
Tapi, entah kenapa masih berat hati...
tidak tahu apa yang aku cari...
tidak tahu apa yang aku nanti...
tidak tahu apa nasib yang bakal di jalani...
yang buat aku senang untuk terus diami bumi yang dulu-asing-tapi-kini-tak-lagi...

oh, adakah keputusan ini pasti??
Tuhan tunjukkan aku, bimbing hati temui jawapan pasti....
yang terbaik untuk semua yang aku sayangi...

Salam~

 Assalamualaikum W.B.T

omo..omo..I just noticed I need another few entries before it counts as 400.
what an achievement for me!! haha

believe it or not, this is my 5th year of blogging....and turning into 6, next year.
I don't expect I could stay this long...because in the course of 5 years, due to many reasons, I don't know for how many times I thought of deleting this blog....and luckily I didn't!! (but, I did change d url..heh)
(actually, I have started writing before 2007....but few blogs had been deleted due to inconsistency in writing and updating...haha)

I have few reasons why I treasure this blog so much.
and one reason being, it stores a collection of MY stories.
I am not an important person so I bet no one would write about me when I die.
But, because my life worth so much to me, I think I should do it a justice by writing about it myself.
After some years, I could see how I have developed physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually by the way I write and express my feelings, thoughts etc.
And I am happy to see the progress :))))

Because I don't write for specific audiences like I did years ago, I feel no pressure at all writing now.
I could log on whenever I feel like pouring things out and I could stay idle when I don't feel like doing it.
But, most of the time, it's because of the TIME.

Based on my analysis:

I am most active in 2008. I have written 205 entries. That was during my second year in Australia and it was the time I consider myself BLOGGER TEGAR (skrg, tegarla sangat kan...haha). Many stories to be shared, learned many important lessons in life, tried many recipes and it's when I got to know few blogger friends...and that was the time when blogging was so addictive to me...WAS and WAS. Basically, it IS one the most wonderful years in my life :)))

Coming back to Malaysia, completing my final year of study, practicum, first posting...life was so hectic (kononnya), and I didn't write much...only once in a while. Apart from the commitments (konon), I think internet connection is a factor too. Graf jatuh mendadak, x sampai 40% for the 1st year. Zaman bekerja lagilah....hampeh... x smpai 3 entry per month on the 1st year of working, and even lesser the 2nd year. But, what makes me feel better is, AT LEAST I WRITE....haha..

Oh yeah, now I am currently working on my weebly!!
being a professional-so-to-say....(HAHA), it's been a dream to have my own educational website.
insyaAllah, it'll be my end-of-year project!! HOHO...


And I promise myself to keep writing...not for anyone but for ME, MYSELF :))

adios, amigos!!

Wassalam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Teaching

“Teaching” is not the first thing in my mind when I first learned the word “ambition”.

Seriously, I never expect ended up being a teacher...at least as a profession to begin with.

But I BELIEVE this is what we call FATE.

Not even a moment in my life, I regret being a teacher. at least up till this point.

Why?

Because this profession opens doors for me to know and understand human beings; the interesting but complicated creatures on Earth.

When I say I don’t regret a thing, that does not mean that it’s a bed of roses.

Life as a teacher is not as simple as how people might perceive it to be.

To tell the truth, it’s NEVER EASY and could DRIVE you CRAZY, yet it can make you HAPPY!!

that’s the indescribable part of everything (^_^)

Student

A student is not merely a client/customer/patient to me.

When I regard someone as students, I can’t help myself but feel emotionally connected to them.

Not only I want them to be successful in learning/study, I want to know about their family background, what do they like to do, what are the things that make them happy/sad/moody/sick etc.

Basically, I want to know everything about them.

Yeah, sounds so busybody and stalker-like, but that’s basically how I feel towards them.

I want to love them so they would secure a place in my heart.

All of them. Each and everyone of them.

That’s why I am actually making effortS (note the “s”) to make them know how PRECIOUS they actually are to me.

I want to spread the LOVE to them.

And LOVING means giving COMMITMENT, TIME and also MONEY... (urggh...I wish I have more time)

But sadly saying, SOME of them didn’t see/feel that.

Either it’s PENDING / I turned on the INCORRECT buttons / they don’t know how to respond / they just don’t like me (oh my, I am rejected!!!)

But that’s okay, for me, the outcome is not important because I know I’ve tried.

We can’t force people when we deal with feelings/emotions....noted that...

Favouritism

As teachers, FAVOURITISM is a BIG NO NO!! I know that. It’s well understood.

But, as normal human beings, we can’t afford to refrain ourselves from liking/prefer/favor some people that the others.

Come on, I’m being REALISTIC!! I’m NOT an idealist anyway.

Teachers got feelings too!!

And as students, the moment we feel our teacher favour some other people rather than us;

1^st: maybe it’s just our feelings

2^nd: the way people show love is different. come on, look at ourselves! how could we be treated similarly as others if we ourselves are different from them. so, don’t simply jump into conclusion ya..

And if I am the teacher concerned, I tell you, I am not being double standard, it’s just that due to some reasons, I have yet to find ways to reach you...(did you find ways to reach me anyways??)...

and not because I simply choose to ignore. So, please don't get the wrong idea :)

Assertive/Strict

Am I not sure what kind of teacher I am/was/will be...

What I knew is I lack/lacked this one quality: “being assertive”...

I have been trying to develop this quality since I was overseas and it’s still going nowhere...

Maybe it’s because I am not that type of person who can express what I REALLY want in a strong way so that people would notice.

I never like that idea because I don’t like being told of what to do (except for work related things or else I don’t know what to should be done).

I always thought that people are sensitive enough to “sense” things so why should others be telling them this and that.

So, I didn’t scold them if they didn’t do what they are supposed to.

I adopt these policies: “be patient”, “be calm” and “hold your anger”.

Most of the time, I do that because I want to “jaga hati” and don’t want to hurt others by the words that might hurt them emotionally and mentally when I burst. (but still some bullets are unavoidable!!)

However, everything doesn’t come for free.

There’s an expensive price that I have to pay for not hurting others...I ended up being hurt...

And that’s the “worldly definition” of FAIRNESS if you want to know.

So, take it or leave it!!

True Colours

When asked what type of person I am, my close friend once replied:

“what people see might not be the same as when they would get later”

Meaning?

The way I appear to people might be different with my true self.

For people that I meet once or twice, I am a different type of person...

For people who are dear to me;

I am not a soft-spoken person...(it’s just not my way..urghh)

I say harsh words when it’s not what I really intend to say...(sorry, I’ll be more careful next time so it won’t be a bad prayer to others...nauzubillah)

I say I don’t care, when I actually do...

I say go when I want people to stay...

I tease people and “cari gaduh” with them when I actually want to be close to them...(some people think I hate them..nope!!)

but in fact, I am VERY sensitive...

I say it’s OK when I am NOT OK...

I say it’s all right when it’s NOT right at all...

And for some unknown reasons, that’s how I react...

and I know that’s very complicated to understand...

but that’s ME, the real ME~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

This year's Eidul Fitr celebration might NOT be the BEST that I had so far but at least, it's NOT the WORST.

Reasons:

• got a new stand mixer thus so excitedly made chocolate chips cookies that I used to make back then in Sydney...but it turned to be chocolate DE BATU BATA cookies...duhh...but, what I like about it is the fact that my nephews being so supportive by eating half the jar of the cookies...so I guess, OK la kot kan..heh ;)

before

after

• baked a chocolate cake that I used to...but it turned out to be the most DISASTROUS cake I've ever bake. lesson learned: please don't be greedy but patient!!

kipasusahmati...haha

• raya for me this year was only on the 1st Syawal...was in no mood of celebrating it...down with slight fever the first night itself...is suffering from sore throat till today....arrghhh...camne  nak keje nih!!

However, there's few other good points regardless of everything:

• I managed to join tadarus and conduct khatam quran session with my tutees ;) yeah, sounds like a small, simple things but for me, it's really SOMETHING...

• after 25 years, I managed to weave ketupat on my own....what an achievement!! haha... I've tried once last 2 years, I succeeded...but I wonder to what extent the performance could be measured... But this time around, I managed to weave at least 5/6 ketupat... OK la tu...rather than nothing aite...

masterpiece...haha

before

after

• for the first time, I gave duet raya to my siblings...not much anyway but I feel happy to give them something...alhamdulillah de rezeki lebih kan :) but somehow, the allocation for the niece and nephews decreased a bit..ye la, need to spread the budget kan...haha :P

last year's...this year...tarak..

All in all, I think or I could feel that I've aged...or am aging...gradually...
The feelings towards certain things are no longer the same as before...
And so as the view or perception and also the way I act towards situations...
So, let's just consider this a journey of maturity...haha~

Salam~

never miss a place like how I feel towards OZ...

it hurts every time I think about the place, the people and the things I did there...

getting another chance to be there is one thing...

experience the same feeling like I did three/four years ago is another thing...

and that is THE thing that I look forward....very much...

but, whatever it is...

thank you Allah for THE opportunities given to me during the period of time...

for me, that wasn't just an experience but it's the turning point for many things in my life...

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal~

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Lepas 3 minggu lepak kat rumah because of medical leave, tak tertanggung rasanya tekanan kat tempat kerja on the first day masuk kerja.
OMG, nak absorb sume benda dalam 1 hari...mau naik gile rasanya....*exaggerate*

Sometimes, rasa cam dah tahan dah nak stay...
tapi bila2 fikir2 balik, takkan la baru dapat challenges camni dah nak surrender...
rasa cam loser giler...

so, to be on positive side, I always believe that this is the phase where Allah 'teaches' me about life...
so, memang la kena sangat2 bersabar...dan kuatkan semangat...
kalau nak ikut, ni baru sket kot...

masalah dengan sistem....
masalah dengan students...
masalah deagan colleagues...

aish...memang typical kot benda2 camtu kat mana2 pun...
so, there's no point nak lari...

yang penting diri sendiri....

so, to me: chaiyo' chaiyo'

Salam~

p/s: kadang2, bile orang care sangat pun, rasa cam annoying gak...aish...