Assalamualaikum W.B.T

This year's Eidul Fitr celebration might NOT be the BEST that I had so far but at least, it's NOT the WORST.

Reasons:

• got a new stand mixer thus so excitedly made chocolate chips cookies that I used to make back then in Sydney...but it turned to be chocolate DE BATU BATA cookies...duhh...but, what I like about it is the fact that my nephews being so supportive by eating half the jar of the cookies...so I guess, OK la kot kan..heh ;)

before

after

• baked a chocolate cake that I used to...but it turned out to be the most DISASTROUS cake I've ever bake. lesson learned: please don't be greedy but patient!!

kipasusahmati...haha

• raya for me this year was only on the 1st Syawal...was in no mood of celebrating it...down with slight fever the first night itself...is suffering from sore throat till today....arrghhh...camne  nak keje nih!!

However, there's few other good points regardless of everything:

• I managed to join tadarus and conduct khatam quran session with my tutees ;) yeah, sounds like a small, simple things but for me, it's really SOMETHING...

• after 25 years, I managed to weave ketupat on my own....what an achievement!! haha... I've tried once last 2 years, I succeeded...but I wonder to what extent the performance could be measured... But this time around, I managed to weave at least 5/6 ketupat... OK la tu...rather than nothing aite...

masterpiece...haha

before

after

• for the first time, I gave duet raya to my siblings...not much anyway but I feel happy to give them something...alhamdulillah de rezeki lebih kan :) but somehow, the allocation for the niece and nephews decreased a bit..ye la, need to spread the budget kan...haha :P

last year's...this year...tarak..

All in all, I think or I could feel that I've aged...or am aging...gradually...
The feelings towards certain things are no longer the same as before...
And so as the view or perception and also the way I act towards situations...
So, let's just consider this a journey of maturity...haha~

Salam~

never miss a place like how I feel towards OZ...

it hurts every time I think about the place, the people and the things I did there...

getting another chance to be there is one thing...

experience the same feeling like I did three/four years ago is another thing...

and that is THE thing that I look forward....very much...

but, whatever it is...

thank you Allah for THE opportunities given to me during the period of time...

for me, that wasn't just an experience but it's the turning point for many things in my life...

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal~

 Assalamualaikum W.B.T

"No man is an Island, entire of it self; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main."

@ work time

@ holiday_ jimba jimbi time

@ crazy time

@ all other times

a great company would be with us through thick and thin...

but humans ain't perfect that sometimes they tend to forget things...they can't commit all the time...

so, as long as God sent someone to us...

to be with us...

when we are happy, 

when we are sad,

when we are excited,

when we are worried,

be it the same person or different...

that's great enough...

thanks to Allah for that :)))

Salam~

 Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Apa hukumnya malas nak makan ubat sebab malas nak kena makan lepas tu??

Huwaa....saya tau mak dan abah memang emo dengan alasan yang saya bagi...
But seriously...saya bukan jenis orang yang susah makan ubat...
tapi....
ubat itu sangat2 melaparkan...
and imagine...saya kene makan 4 kali sehari...which also implies i have to take heavy meals 4 times a day!!!


forget about being fat or whatsoever...
tapi perut saya sangat cekang...tolong!!!!!!!!!!!!!

n kesimpulannya...ubat saya memang tak habis on time...
serve me right!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

If I could remember clearly, the very first time I went through a surgery and thus being  hospitalized was 10 years ago. 26 October 2001 to be exact (if I remember it right) and that was a few days after I sat for my PMR examination. It was unplanned. Everything seemed to happen so sudden that I can't really recall every single detail about it. To tell the truth,  despite the fact that my mother was a nurse, I never like hospitals or clinics...what more the idea of being hospitalized. But...who says we will only get/face things that we like. At that point of time, I thought I have become a strong, brave girl. I thought...and I continue to have that thought until then...

And that was the story 10 years ago.

And it was so true that history repeats itself. But, I would never expect that I would go through the same experience again. 19 April 2011 marked another history in my life. Though the experience was slightly different, but it share similarities that I don't wish to share here. Now, I am not sure if the thought or the belief that I have about myself is true or not. I am not sure if I  have grown stronger and tougher as I should or not. What I do now is just to go on with life and face whatever I have to face...with the thought that "hey, you are becoming stronger and tougher each day".

I don't know what to do and how should I live my life without HIM...

HE is my only strength and to HIM I put my trust...

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I've been thinking about so many things these days...and that's when I decided to prioritize my priority...
I can't afford to make so many steps at once but I could definitely take one at least...yeah...one at a time...that's my plan...insyaAllah...

At times, I didn't realize that I've already grown up...
this is to say that I am no longer the same like before...
Time has passed and what lies in front of me is different now...and will continuously be different...
So, I have to be different too...my attitude, my way of thinking, my actions, my priority....everything... basically everything...
...or else I'll be stucked...

Hopefully, I'm making the right move...insyaAllah...
May Allah bless the path that I've chosen...or should I say, may the path that I've chosen is the result of the intuition sent by Allah~

Salam~

At times...
I wonder "why things happen"
I wonder "why things happen to me" 
I wonder "why things happen not according to plan"


But the more I wonder...
the more I realize that "I have no rights to question things"
the more I realize that "things happen because God loves me"
the more I realize that "my plan is nothing if compared to HIS"


And it's when things happened...
that I learnt "how lucky I am to be chosen"
that I learnt "how great God's love is to me"
that I learnt "the real meaning of devotion to the Lord"


And I only have 1 main wish...
that I will be granted with whatever it takes to face things...
insyaAllah~


~Because He knows BEST that I hope I'll have a blessed journey throughout...amen~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Nampaknya, banyak drama dan filem berunsur dakwah ditayangkan sekarang. 

Baguslah....sekurang2nya dapatlah dakwah disebarkan secara tidak langsung kepada masyarakat.

Tapi my concern is, even drama dan filem itu 'konon'nya bercorak keagamaan, perlu ke mereka sertakan aksi2 dan adegan yang kurang menyenangkan.

Pada mulanya, memanglah saya teruja...tapi certain scenes really 'turned me off'.

Elok2 kesedaran dan keinsafan timbul, mood terus rosak bila disajikan adegan2 yang kononnya mencerminkan realiti masyarakat.

Yes, they got their points, kononnya tak guna menyembunyikan realiti kehidupan sebenar...kononnya masyarakat perlu didedahkan dengan keadaan semasa, kononnya itu kononnya ini.

Betul, mungkin memang itu realiti masyarakat. Tapi tak salahkan jika kita paparkan situasi2 yang baik supaya dapat diteladani.

Some poeple might say, "biar penonton buat pertimbangan sendiri...mereka tahu apa yang perlu dicontohi".

Tapi, tak semua orang mampu buat perkara seperti itu.

Walaupun fitrah manusia itu sebenarnya inginkan kebaikan, tapi "kecenderungan" manusia berbeza2.

Ada orang bila menonton, akan buat self reflection and thus jadi baik.

Ada orang bila menonton, akan rasa curious and thus feels like trying those things..selalunya yang tak baik la..

Elok2 mereka tak tahu, paparan yang mereka buat langsung beri idea kepada golongan2 curious ni.

Kadang2 saya geram juga. Nama saja berunsur dakwah, islamik tapi hakikatnya...branding 'islam' dan 'dakwah' hanyalah dikomersilkan.

Come on, sampai bila nak jadi macam ni kan.

Saya bukan mahu membandingkan tapi saya ada menonton beberapa filem dan cereka berunsur dakwah dari produksi luar. Memang sekali lalu, tiada langsung nilai komersial...tapi drama itu "bersih". Mungkin la, ia tak mampu menarik minat ramai penonton tapi bagi saya, lebih baik dari bercampur aduk yang baik dengan yang tak baik.

I know I may sound emotional here but I just expressing myself. My opinion might not be 100% true as it is merely an opinion...heh~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Before anything, let us consider these two sayings:

"Absence makes the heart grows fonder"

"Out of sight, out of mind"

Which one do you think is truer than the other?

Actually, I was thinking about the truth in both sayings since before.

At times, yes, absence could make our heart grows fonder...

But then, the word 'fonder' itself has different connotation to different people...

Relating myself to the context here, I would say that somehow, absence is a blessing...

Sometimes, we need to be apart from our loved ones for a while so that we have time to reflect and rationalize things...

Yes, to love is some kind of a gift from God but whether we realize it or not, we could not nurture the feelings to just anybody...or lemme put it this way...we could nurture the feelings but we should put limitations to it...depending on the individuals we are dealing with.

In my case, I feel that the separation period give me a good platform to detach myself from the people whom I have unconsciously treated the way that I shouldn't in a first place. (read: I give MORE)

Not to say that when they are out of sight, they will be out of mind but at least I could control my feelings and perhaps do a good restart later...this time in a slower pace..maybe..heh..

But one thing for sure, once we go through "separation" period, the feelings wont be the same again. It's either become "more" or "less". It's not like clicking a pause button when you play a song that it will continue where it stops when you resume it.heh~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I know it's not an easy thing to do...

but I have to do it...slowly...gradually...

Though I am not sure if it's gonna be a permanent change...I do not know...at least at this point...

For some matters, especially when it involves feelings, do not take it very personally and seriously.... 

forget your loser-sensitive feeling... 

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Do not meddle into other people's business, esp. personal matters...although your intention is to care for them...they do not like it...

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Do not share every story of yours to others...you'll bore them..

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

If you do something for someone, never expect anything in return...and never assume that they'll do the same thing for you if you happen to be in the same situation as them...remember, we are all different...

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Focus on your relationship with ALLAH, FAMILY and WORK...not to forget, keep a good relationship with the persons that surrounds you for you'll definitely depend on them someday..somehow..

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

I do not know where this kind of resolutions will take me to...

It might sound professional in one way..and selfish in another way...

But, I hope this is the best for now...

But if it is not, I pray that Allah will show me the right way of doing things...

For I am tired...figuring it out by myself...

May Allah bless me...forever...iAllah~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Do not ask me why...for I don't have the answer...

Maybe because I could not take it anymore...
Maybe because I am tired of pretending...
Maybe because I can no longer endure the pain...
Maybe...Maybe...
I do not know...really I do!

Maybe I have changed...
Maybe I have realized my mistakes...
Maybe I cannot be the person I thought I could be...
Maybe...Maybe...
I do not know...really I do!

But I did learn may things from this...
I learnt that I should never assume things...
I learnt that I should have avoided things if I knew from the beginning that I could not tolerate with it...or I should learn from the beginning how to tolerate with it...
I learnt that I should not think highly of myself...that people can actually live without me...that I am not that important...
I learnt that I should stop trying hard to please others when they do not actually need that...
and the most important thing is...
I learnt that ALLAH IS THE BEST for He will there for me anytime anywhere...
and He's The Only One who is able to help me...

and for that, I thank You Allah...for this test....
but, seriously..please give me whatever it takes to face this trial...
I beg You...please....

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Hati kalau dah rajuk…

Memang sukar dipujuk…

Aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa keadaan boleh jadi segenting ini…

Akukah yang terlalu tinggi meletak harapan…

Atau merekakah yang tak pernah menghargai aku…

Tapi sejak bila pula aku jadi manusia yang dahagakan penghargaan…

Atau aku sebenarnya inginkan sesuatu yang mereka tak mampu beri…

Entahlah, aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa aku jadi demanding sebegini…

Aku bukan marah…apatah lagi membenci…

Aku cuma terkilan hati…

Bila diri seolah tersorong pipi…

Tapi respons langsung mereka tak beri…

Benar, suatu ketika dulu…

Aku memang berusaha untuk menyayangi…

Kerana hanya perbezaan yang aku lihat antara kami…

Tapi, setelah perasaan itu aku kecapi…

Mereka seakan menjauh lari…

Dan aku penat mengejar lagi…

Penat kerana aku rasa hanya aku seorang yang menarik tali…

Walau aku tahu…itu bukan fakta hakiki…

Sekarang aku hanya mampu menanti…

Agar masa mampu merungkai segala misteri…

Dalam perhubungan kami…

Moga magika Tuhan bisa mengubah realiti…

Suatu hari nanti…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

stucked...

don't know how to get out from here...

lost...

don't know how to get back on track...

empty...

don't know how to get it filled...again...

help...

i just need help...please...My Lord...

because i can't continue living like this...

it's meaningless...

and thus not the purpose of my creation...i know that...

S.O.S. PLEASE..

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Okay...enuf of that sad melancholic story... I know it's my blog and thus it's my right to write whatever I like but too much of such stories wouldn't change anything rite...So, it's time for different genre now...huhu...

Em...let's talk about my graduation day...

Yeah, i know2...it's expired already....BUT as long as I haven't got the pictures yet, I could still consider that as fresh, right...haha...like I care..heh~

Actually, nothing much to tell here...

But, after all, I feel really happy that I managed to do it...

Alhamdulillah....praise be to Allah for making this happen...

I really enjoy this 5 and a half year course...the knowledge i gained, the place i've been, the people i met...everything...everything is just awesome....

And as a bonus, being a top scholar for my uni...that is the biggest 'bomb' i think...

You know, I thought that era has ended 8 years ago...

But who knows, Allah still give me the chance to 'be' and 'feel' that...

and I am really grateful for that...especially thinking that my parents would also be happy with that fact...Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal...

But, there's so many things I failed to do during my graduation day...

1st: taking pictures with my beloved parents...wearing that robe...

2nd: having small talk with Pamela and take at least a picture with her...

3rd: spending more time with my beloved friends whom I missed so much...and take pictures with them...

4th: taking pictures with my unimates...

5th: seeing my beloved lecturers, thanking him and her personally and taking pictures with them....

Hmm....basically I am not satisfied with myself...

I don't know why but I think the day turned out being so hectic that I missed doing so many things...

Happy inside but at the same time feel disappointed...

But, that's life....nothing is perfect aite...

Whatever it is, I AM FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY GRADUATED....YEAY!!!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

The reason she is who she is today is merely because she is overly protective of her own feelings…
Of all the feelings, the one that she fears the most is the feeling of being rejected and hurt…

On the surface, she may look tough and rough…
Maybe, that’s what she always portrays or should she say “trying” to portray…
When in real fact, she is not…she never was…
Indeed, she is so fragile…to the extent that one could never imagine it could be of a person by “THE” name…
I guess, everything that people see on the first side is merely a shield to cover up who she is actually…
Maybe…maybe…I don’t know…
Because she has got this remark about her saying that “what you see is not what you get”…
That somehow indicates that she is not who she truly is if people were to judge her only from the first meeting…at least that’s what her friend said…and she admits there’s truth in it…somehow…

She always thinks that she is not easy…she is complicated…
Basically, she is not trying to be dramatic here by using such a cliché word…but, she really thinks that’s the word to describe her…especially when it comes to her feelings and how strong of an influence it has on her actions…

Not many people can understand her…and in fact, she bets if there’s any…
And she doesn’t expect anyone to be one also…because she feels that’s just being too demanding…
I don’t know…
But even if no one could understand her…one thing she really wishes she could get from someone close to her or her life partner (insyaAllah) is the support or the respect for whatever decision that she made or wants to make…
Even though her decision will appear so illogical and nonsense to others, she wishes she has this “tactful” angel, telling her how she could possibly consider other options rather than imposing hers…
She knows, this again shows how selfish she is but that’s how ‘this person’ works…
She is egocentric ok…She hate listening people telling her what to do especially when she knew exactly what to do…the more she’s being told, the more she’ll show her reluctance to follow…That’s her if people want to know…

So, saying that you love her and at the same time not at least trying to understand her or showing respect for her decision…is actually an act of hurting her feelings…
She knows exactly things are not easy on the other side because this is not the first time she faced such situation…
So, she thinks open up is not the best way to at least soothe her for now…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Alhamdulillah, I feel really greatful as God has finally helped me to 'wake up' from this 'nightmare'...
Yes, i still could not forget what has happened...
but yet...

i still feel loved...

Thanks Allah for letting me be here...
sorrounded by these people...
I am really thankful...

MasyaAllah...
Allah, YOU are so GREAT...
It's never difficult for YOU to change my mood from such gloomy day to a glittering night...
In just a split second, HE managed to change everything...
Thank you Allah...thank you...
alhamdulillah...

Salam~

i'm tired...
tired of acting as if nothing happened...
tired of putting a happy face when my heart has actually shattered into pieces and yet to be repaired...

i don't know how to describe my feelings rite now...
i'm so damn sad and dissappointed...
i feel like i've lost some parts of me...
even sadder thinking that i've lost it to someone that i shouldn't...

i think this is the most trying times for me...
so many things happen at once...
and i couldn't handle things well...

sometimes, i feel like a psycho...
i'm lost...
God, please give strength...
i'm so fragile rite now that even a small things could make me emo and pissed off and sad...
help me..please...

Allah, please help me...
i am so hurt...
deeply hurt...
please Allah...please heal me...i beg u...

i'm so weak...
i feel like crying...
i feel like hugging You....
hold You tight in my arms...
for i'm so helpless right now...

o Allah...i miss You...
i need You...
really...really...
please...

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I may be able to forgive...but to forget...that's never easy for me...
I don't know how and why, but THAT person has indirectly made an impact on me...
Everytime i remember something related to IT, my heart aches...literally...
Even though i have decided to move on, things won't be as easy as i want it to be because every moment, there'll be something that would trigger that memory...and again it really hurts...

And things get worse when people around you doesn't really understand you...
saying things that you didn't fancy listening to...at least at this phase...
i don't know...maybe i'm just too fragile...yes, i think i am, now...
even if they didn't mean to purposely hurt me, at times like this, it does...
who am i to expect everyone to understand me...

Actually, i tried 'my best' to look OK in front of the other...
but the thought of IT, sometimes make me feel sad, disappointed, angry and basically negative feelings...
i don't even have the mood to facebooking like i always do...because it hurts to think that it's the source of my 'frustration' rite now...
i even make my blog private...because i think since that incident, my privacy has been invaded...or i should say 'hijacked'...
i've become paranoid now...adoiii...

But, on top of that, i always believe that there's always hikmah for everything that happened...
i've get the short-term one...and i'm looking forward for the long-term one...
I know Allah is never mean...He loves me more than I love HIM....many2 times more than I do...
i hope this is a turning point for me to have a better life..insyaAllah

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

If you don't know how it feels like to be cheated, let me tell u, it hurts. It really is. Especially when it's done by someone you never expect.

Angry is not the word...what more hate. But it's more to disappointment... a great disappointment. I really feel like a loser... the MAJOR one...

But thanks anyway... At least you've helped me find what I've lost for so long...
Thanks so much dear...

Don't worry, I won't blame u...it's my mistake...So, serve me right...
At least I learnt many things from this...

That, there are some people who'll stand up for you, support you...
That, i should be very careful with everyone, even those who seem harmless...
That, Allah is always there for me...to listen to me, everytime, everywhere...it's just me who often neglect Him...

I don't know...but i feel so weak inside...my heart is aching, my body is trembling, my head is spinning.... i just hope things will get better once i wake up tomorrow morning...

But, i'll surely remember this moment in my life...i'll always do...

Salam~

p/s: i'm sorry fren...i'm not like you and cud never b one...i don't want to be a superhero trying to solve everything... i juts want to be me..sorry..