first phase: I barely made it through. alhamdulillah.

second phase: struggling...

third phase: Allahu a'lam

I thought it's easy. Then only  I realized many things are just very idealistic on the surface.

But I keep believing, 

"Mesti boleh buat, cuma kena kuat dan lebih kuat".

"Jangan dikira berapa banyak air mata yang tumpah...sebab itu bukan ertinya kalah".

"Nak menang memang tak mudah, yang penting jangan mengalah".

Along the way, I only learnt the meaning of "syukur".

I don't know how's life gonna be should I am not a Muslim.

The thought of it always makes me feel so honoured. and again I cried :')

Thank you Allah. Thank you Allah. Thank you Allah. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal~

And again, it's a plain lie if I said I don't feel anything about it.

takut.risau.sedih.keliru.kecikhati.feelinsignificant - are parts and parcel of life this one year.

But again, I keep believing,

"I am doing this for HIM. So, I should not feel worried of anything. 

HE's the one, choosing me to lead this path. 

So, I believe that HE'll protect me, HE'll guide me 

and HE'll make me happy...even if it's not here...later in jannah...in sya Allah."

So, to the 90d2dWnM, Fighting!! 

You can do it babeh!!

Allah kan ada (like what I always told chacha)

ingatkan sempoi je bila takde dream wedding.
tapi bila fikir2...susah gak.
jenuh gak nak fikir and decide few things in a very short period of time.
oh, tisu kelabu..silalah berfungsi dengan cemerlang!!
time is ticking!! fuhh!!

anyways, it's challenging yet interesting :P
yolah tu!! *fewslapsontheface*

semakin hari semakin susah

aku semakin lemah

nah, mencari syurga memang payah

kerana ia terlalu indah

terlalu gah!!

*****

aku yang dulumya tercari-cari cinta

selalu memikirkan kenapa tak jumpa-jumpa

akhirnya diizin ketemu DIA

aku bahagia

dan untuk mengekalkan rasa bahagia

aku berperang bukan sekali dua

hebat sungguh godaan dunia

terkadang buat aku lupa

yang aku cinta cuma DIA

oh Tuhan, 

kuatkan jiwa hamba

yang telah bersaksi dengan 2 kalimah syurga

kekalkan aku atas jalannya

biar aku kembali ke sana

dengan rasa redha penuh dalam dada

*****

sesuatu yang susah

pastinya mencipta resah

gelisah dalam pasrah

tapi yakinlah

natijahnya pasti indah

disulami barokah

duhai jiwa yang gundah

kembalilah kepada Allah

hanya Dia pengubat lelah

membawa hati menuju fitrah

maka, bersabarlah!!

bertabahlah!!

"Verily, with every hardship, there is relief"

(94:6)

In this episode of Love Boat (in conjunction with my birthday celebration giteww..ahaks), I'll share about my tutees and how have I "flourished" with them :)

Frankly speaking, life wasn't easy the first time I got them as tutees. The reasons being: I've spent 6 months getting-to-know the first group. Mind you, that period itself was a struggling period for me. I've to juggle between adapting myself with the environment in Terengganu, with the fact that I am not a teacher but a lecturer, with the fact that my colleagues are way knowledgeable and experienced, with the fact that I have to take care of 33 adults students yadda yadda yadda. With so many things to cope during the first year, alhamdulillah I barely survived my first year here. (I think)

But then, in 2011, THEY decided to reshuffle the classes. Nah, new tutees!! (arghh, susah kot!!) I was dumbfounded when I first looked at the new list. Some are known to me. Some are total strangers. Again, the first year with them was not easy. I could not handle them well. For me, it's a group of people with different traits and personalities. Very different that it creates a continuum. If the first group is difficult, this one is even more. The proof: I cried a lot in my prayers, asking Him for the strength to face every single challenge, to soften their hearts to make me accepted, heard and followed (in some ways). 

Praise be to Him. Indeed, God is great! I never expect such challenge have made me a better, stronger, and happier person.

So many things we did together and those memories are things I could never forget. Here's just a few that I could list.

Birthday prank in 2011 and also a special video :) #habisberbedaksatubadan

Picnic by the beach, eating and playing #picnicdalamhujan

Bullet's Sphere, sharing stories and reminders, reciting Quran #sejukhati

Cool Bullets #semangatkamikazegiteww

BIG in Tabika Banggol!! #glamer uols

Cake and graduation gift for me #terharu

and many more...

For me, it's not what I did with them that matters, but the lessons learnt throughout the journey.

That's very priceless.

And to my kids, here's a special dedication for you, sincerely from the heart :)

(code switching mode is activated. rasa tak feel giteww tulis fully in English...certain things need to be expressed in a more "poyo" mode...ahaha)

Anak-anakku sayang...

denganmu, 

Tuhan mengajar aku erti cinta...

cinta mulia...

bukan cinta buaya :P

denganmu,

Tuhan mengajar aku erti kasih...

kasih sesama hamba...

lambang manifestasi kasih kepada Pencipta...

denganmu, 

Tuhan mengajar aku erti sayang...

memberi tanpa mengharapkan balasan...

cukuplah dengan titipan rasa tenang...

anak-anakku,

terima kasih atas kesempatan waktu...

yang kau beri untuk mengajar aku...

erti perjalanan hidup seorang perindu...

anak-anakku,

hanya satu pintaku...

izinkan aku terus belajar erti cinta, kasih dan sayang darimu...

selagi di izin Tuhan...

moga nantinya...

walau terbatas jarak dan jua waktu...

kita mampu saling mengutus doa...

tanda redha-Nya kita pada sebuah pertemuan suci jiwa-jiwa yang sejahtera...

tulus ikhlas,
bonda :)

*****************************
And yeah, they keep asking for daddy! 
I guess they feel annoyed already...with me bugging them around. 
No daddy means more time I have to bug their life :P
With daddy around, maybe I'll bug them less.
Maybe, that's the reason why they keep asking for daddy :')

The truth it, mummy wants her daddy too but who on earth would want a single mom of 32 kids...hahaha :P
In sya Allah, we plan things but God is indeed the best of all planners.
******************************

To all, my warmest regards to your beloved parents.
Tell them that I could not thank them enough for raising such wonderful kids that would shine the world in their own way...in sya Allah

Take care.
Be great, Be grateful :)

"I am not romantic you know. I never was"

That's Charlotte Lucas's lines in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen :) Though I am not into literature (errk), I could never forget the lines that were repeatedly chanted by Salina, my roommate in IPBA back then. Yes, to a certain extent, I am NOT a romantic-type of person. But, I learnt that sometimes, true feelings should be expressed too...before it's too late ;)

Yesterday was just another day. But it means a lot to me. It's my 26th birthday!!  To say that nothing special happened to me on that day was just a lie. Many things happened. 

With "the Salma", a friend - cum - collegue - cum - sister - cum - advisor - cum -wedding.planner(opps!!) - cum - reflection.partner - cum - everything.one.could.ask.for, we went to few places: JAKEL - Pantai Batu Burok - Tailor - Herbaline - Bus Terminal - Secret Recipe - Tutti Fruti. Oh, it's really another session of girls - day - out - cum - Bachelor Party (ahaks..perasan!!). 

Thanks Salma. Not only for yesterday but the whole period of time we've been through together. 

Yes, I would never deny the fact that people come and go in our life. But, I also believe that that's not a coincidence. Everything has been planned by the Lord. And I could not thank Him enough for sending you in my life. 

Technically, we are very different. Yet, Allah gives us the chance to understand each other. 

With you, I reflected a lot in my life. 

With you, I learnt how differences could complement people.

With you, I learnt to do things I never did in my life.

With you, I learnt how strong one's emotion could be developed given a strong support from the environment.

and there's a lot more that I failed to express here but strongly feel deep inside my heart.

Praise be to Him for the chance given to meet you in my life.

I don't know how long we will be together and how the relationship will be in the future, 

but no matter how things will be in the future, I just want to record the present so I would not forget that you are one of my teachers in my "Sekolah Cinta".

Jazakillah Khairan Kathira ukhti.

For whatever kind of life you'll lead in the future, be it sweet, sour, easy or difficult, I pray that Allah will shower His neverending blessings to you, on you. May you be strong and would not forget the real purpose for us being here, on the Earth. May we meet again in Jannah....in sya Allah...ameen... 

"Manusia menjadi hamba kepada apa yang dicintainya."

Marilah meletakkan cinta di tempat yang benar sejak dari mula.

Takut tersalah menzahirkan sifat hamba,       

yang selayaknya hanya kepada Dia.

Sepenuhnya.

aku hanya manusia biasa
yang menggagahi hari demi hari dengan kudrat izin Si Pencipta
aku cuba tampil "sempurna"
tapi terkadang aku rapuh juga
berkali-kali...bukan sekali cuma
kerana hakikatnya sifat sempurna bukan milik hamba

aku mungkin mampu membohongi kamu dan mereka
tapi aku tak mampu membohongi diri dan Tuhan Maha Esa
ternyata, tak terlawan gelodak jiwa
bila dihenyak perasaan fitrah seorang manusia
aku jadi lemah dan tak berdaya

ya, aku hanya manusia biasa 
yang cuba menjadi luar biasa
yang berusaha mempasakkan cinta pada Si Pengurnia Cinta
biar aku tak lupa apa tujuan aku diciptakan di dunia
walau diasak godaan dunia yang memperdaya
aku kan cuba bertahan demi menuju destinasi cinta, hakikat bahagia

Tuhan, kau kuatkan jiwa hamba
penuhi ia dengan keyakinan bahawa Kau telah tetapkan semuanya
katakan padanya jika Kau akan uruskan segalanya
jadikan ia redha pada segala ketentuan, lambang pengabdian cinta 
sebuah jiwa yang merdeka



"Wahai jiwa yang tenang, kembalilah kepada Tuhanmu dalam keadaan redha dan diredhai"

"Ya Allah, aku memohon petunjuk daripadaMu dengan ilmuMu dan aku memohon ketentuan daripadaMu dengan kekuasaanMu dan aku memohon daripadaMu akan limpah kurniaanMu yang besar. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa sedangkan aku tidak berkuasa dan Engkau Maha Mengetahui sedangkan aku tidak mengetahui dan Engkaulah Yang Maha Mengetahu segala perkara yang ghaib. Ya Allah, seandainya Engkau mengetahui bahawasanya urusan ini adalah baik bagiku pada agamaku, kehidupanku dan kesudahan urusanku sama ada cepat atau lambat, takdirkanlah ia bagiku dan permudahkanlah serta berkatlah bagiku padanya dan seandainya Engkau mengetahui bahawa urusan ini mendatangkan keburukan bagiku pada agamaku, kehidupanku dan kesudahan urusanku sama ada cepat atau lambat, maka jauhkanlah aku daripadanya dan takdirkanlah kebaikan untukku dalam sebarang keadaan sekalipun kemudian redhailah aku dengannya".

Maafkan aku kerana tak bisa memilih kamu...

kerana Tuhanku telah terlebih dahulu memilih kamu untuk aku...

Jadi, izinkan aku menjalankan amanah Tuhanku...

mencintai kamu sepenuh hatiku, demi mengejar redha Tuhanku...

Aku mohon agar kamu juga menerima aku...

sebagai amanah Tuhanmu.

Maka cintai aku demi Tuhanmu, pimpin aku, bimbing aku,

ajari aku untuk menggapai redha Tuhanmu...

Andai nanti aku tak mampu lagi menjalankan amanahku dengan baik,

tak mampu lagi mendampingimu mencari sinar kasih Tuhan,

maka kau lepaskanlah aku dengan cara yang mulia.

Hantarlah aku pulang ke pangkuan keluargaku semula sepertimana kau menjemputku suatu masa dulu.

Dan aku mohon doamu agar aku mampu meraih redha Tuhanku dengan cara yang lain pula barangkali...

i'm not strong...

i pretend to be one...

or should i say i struggle instead?

it's so difficult to fight the battle inside...

when no one seems to understand...

and support what i do...

what i could do now is "just believe"...

believe in God...

though i seriously have no idea where it leads me to...

i believe it should be to the right path...

insyaAllah

Dear Lord, 

i'm weak...do make me strong...

i'm clueless...do enlighten me with something...

i'm struggling...do make me survive...

for what i long for is the eternal happiness there...

and if this is what it takes to bring me there, please make me happy with it...

make me content with what i have...

get me distracted with other beneficial things...

things that please You...