Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I know it's not an easy thing to do...

but I have to do it...slowly...gradually...

Though I am not sure if it's gonna be a permanent change...I do not know...at least at this point...

For some matters, especially when it involves feelings, do not take it very personally and seriously.... 

forget your loser-sensitive feeling... 

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Do not meddle into other people's business, esp. personal matters...although your intention is to care for them...they do not like it...

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Do not share every story of yours to others...you'll bore them..

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

If you do something for someone, never expect anything in return...and never assume that they'll do the same thing for you if you happen to be in the same situation as them...remember, we are all different...

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

Focus on your relationship with ALLAH, FAMILY and WORK...not to forget, keep a good relationship with the persons that surrounds you for you'll definitely depend on them someday..somehow..

PLEASE LEARN TO DO THAT!!

I do not know where this kind of resolutions will take me to...

It might sound professional in one way..and selfish in another way...

But, I hope this is the best for now...

But if it is not, I pray that Allah will show me the right way of doing things...

For I am tired...figuring it out by myself...

May Allah bless me...forever...iAllah~

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Do not ask me why...for I don't have the answer...

Maybe because I could not take it anymore...
Maybe because I am tired of pretending...
Maybe because I can no longer endure the pain...
Maybe...Maybe...
I do not know...really I do!

Maybe I have changed...
Maybe I have realized my mistakes...
Maybe I cannot be the person I thought I could be...
Maybe...Maybe...
I do not know...really I do!

But I did learn may things from this...
I learnt that I should never assume things...
I learnt that I should have avoided things if I knew from the beginning that I could not tolerate with it...or I should learn from the beginning how to tolerate with it...
I learnt that I should not think highly of myself...that people can actually live without me...that I am not that important...
I learnt that I should stop trying hard to please others when they do not actually need that...
and the most important thing is...
I learnt that ALLAH IS THE BEST for He will there for me anytime anywhere...
and He's The Only One who is able to help me...

and for that, I thank You Allah...for this test....
but, seriously..please give me whatever it takes to face this trial...
I beg You...please....

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Hati kalau dah rajuk…

Memang sukar dipujuk…

Aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa keadaan boleh jadi segenting ini…

Akukah yang terlalu tinggi meletak harapan…

Atau merekakah yang tak pernah menghargai aku…

Tapi sejak bila pula aku jadi manusia yang dahagakan penghargaan…

Atau aku sebenarnya inginkan sesuatu yang mereka tak mampu beri…

Entahlah, aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa aku jadi demanding sebegini…

Aku bukan marah…apatah lagi membenci…

Aku cuma terkilan hati…

Bila diri seolah tersorong pipi…

Tapi respons langsung mereka tak beri…

Benar, suatu ketika dulu…

Aku memang berusaha untuk menyayangi…

Kerana hanya perbezaan yang aku lihat antara kami…

Tapi, setelah perasaan itu aku kecapi…

Mereka seakan menjauh lari…

Dan aku penat mengejar lagi…

Penat kerana aku rasa hanya aku seorang yang menarik tali…

Walau aku tahu…itu bukan fakta hakiki…

Sekarang aku hanya mampu menanti…

Agar masa mampu merungkai segala misteri…

Dalam perhubungan kami…

Moga magika Tuhan bisa mengubah realiti…

Suatu hari nanti…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

stucked...

don't know how to get out from here...

lost...

don't know how to get back on track...

empty...

don't know how to get it filled...again...

help...

i just need help...please...My Lord...

because i can't continue living like this...

it's meaningless...

and thus not the purpose of my creation...i know that...

S.O.S. PLEASE..

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Okay...enuf of that sad melancholic story... I know it's my blog and thus it's my right to write whatever I like but too much of such stories wouldn't change anything rite...So, it's time for different genre now...huhu...

Em...let's talk about my graduation day...

Yeah, i know2...it's expired already....BUT as long as I haven't got the pictures yet, I could still consider that as fresh, right...haha...like I care..heh~

Actually, nothing much to tell here...

But, after all, I feel really happy that I managed to do it...

Alhamdulillah....praise be to Allah for making this happen...

I really enjoy this 5 and a half year course...the knowledge i gained, the place i've been, the people i met...everything...everything is just awesome....

And as a bonus, being a top scholar for my uni...that is the biggest 'bomb' i think...

You know, I thought that era has ended 8 years ago...

But who knows, Allah still give me the chance to 'be' and 'feel' that...

and I am really grateful for that...especially thinking that my parents would also be happy with that fact...Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal...

But, there's so many things I failed to do during my graduation day...

1st: taking pictures with my beloved parents...wearing that robe...

2nd: having small talk with Pamela and take at least a picture with her...

3rd: spending more time with my beloved friends whom I missed so much...and take pictures with them...

4th: taking pictures with my unimates...

5th: seeing my beloved lecturers, thanking him and her personally and taking pictures with them....

Hmm....basically I am not satisfied with myself...

I don't know why but I think the day turned out being so hectic that I missed doing so many things...

Happy inside but at the same time feel disappointed...

But, that's life....nothing is perfect aite...

Whatever it is, I AM FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY GRADUATED....YEAY!!!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I just don’t understand why am I becoming too engrossed in writing recently…
Was it the influence of The Vampire Diaries…I don’t know…haha
But, if I could recall it clearly, actually I’ve started writing 8 years ago…that time I was in a boarding school…
It’s the first time I’ve been ‘kept’ in a place where I’ve got to be very careful as to whom I could ‘share’ stories…

There are some stories that you could just tell anybody and there are certain things that you have got to be picky as to whom you could reveal things and to what extent your revelation should be..
And that act could trap you as well because you can’t afford to know everybody inside out…so, you could have made a wrong decision…

Solution: I wrote things…things that I angry about, I am not satisfied with…anything….
But, I realized one disadvantage of keeping a diary…what if people happen to ‘find out’ and read things… couldn’t it be a disaster?
So, every time when I finished ‘expressing’ my what-so-ever-feelings, I would tear that piece of paper and get rid of it…
At least, I feel better because I have let things out of my mind, my inner soul…so, it’s less burdensome I guess…

I stopped writing for quite some time…
And I started again…maybe a bit more serious when I was in Sydney back in 2007…3 years ago I guess…
Yeah, people call me ‘jiwang’ or whatever the term is...but, do I care?
I just need a channel to put down my thoughts, my feelings and anything I feel like sharing…
OMG, I couldn’t keep everything to myself…because my mind and my heart have limited capacity…
So, there are things that I keep inside and there are some that I need to let go to at least provide some space for the upcoming ‘things’…
There, one way is to keep a journal…at least you can keep track of it…some kind of an archives I should say..haha
That’s the reason why I blog…

Previously, I used to make it public…
That’s why I never write things bluntly…
I consider my audience…I’ve to be or pretend to be someone whose EQ is of ‘moderate’ level…
But now, after what happened, I don’t think I could make it public anymore…
I am so hurt that it’s hard for me to trust people anymore…at least for now…
I have started becoming skeptical…over so many things…
I know exactly that this isn’t good…but I guess it’s just a reaction towards what happened…
I really wish I could get over it soon…I hope so

As much as I hate to remember things, I just couldn’t forget it…at least that easily…
Whatever I did or of think of, I don’t know but my brilliant mind would always make this kind of connection to continuously reactivate my schemata of it…
And every time the thought came across my mind, I would feel hurt…
I don’t know how long would it take for me to be fully recovered but I really wish Allah will help me get through this…
Perhaps, my soul is empty right now that Allah gave me this test…
Yeah..maybe…
At least that’s what I choose to think…

I think I just want to start fresh…anew…
Maybe, I am ignoring things… but, that’s what I choose to do…
I hope there’ll be no regret…
Yeah, maybe I am a coward…because I didn’t try…
But can I just choose not to try…
I hope no one would pressure me…
Because I just do not like doing things that is not me…
I hope this is the best…
Allah, please guide me…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

The reason she is who she is today is merely because she is overly protective of her own feelings…
Of all the feelings, the one that she fears the most is the feeling of being rejected and hurt…

On the surface, she may look tough and rough…
Maybe, that’s what she always portrays or should she say “trying” to portray…
When in real fact, she is not…she never was…
Indeed, she is so fragile…to the extent that one could never imagine it could be of a person by “THE” name…
I guess, everything that people see on the first side is merely a shield to cover up who she is actually…
Maybe…maybe…I don’t know…
Because she has got this remark about her saying that “what you see is not what you get”…
That somehow indicates that she is not who she truly is if people were to judge her only from the first meeting…at least that’s what her friend said…and she admits there’s truth in it…somehow…

She always thinks that she is not easy…she is complicated…
Basically, she is not trying to be dramatic here by using such a cliché word…but, she really thinks that’s the word to describe her…especially when it comes to her feelings and how strong of an influence it has on her actions…

Not many people can understand her…and in fact, she bets if there’s any…
And she doesn’t expect anyone to be one also…because she feels that’s just being too demanding…
I don’t know…
But even if no one could understand her…one thing she really wishes she could get from someone close to her or her life partner (insyaAllah) is the support or the respect for whatever decision that she made or wants to make…
Even though her decision will appear so illogical and nonsense to others, she wishes she has this “tactful” angel, telling her how she could possibly consider other options rather than imposing hers…
She knows, this again shows how selfish she is but that’s how ‘this person’ works…
She is egocentric ok…She hate listening people telling her what to do especially when she knew exactly what to do…the more she’s being told, the more she’ll show her reluctance to follow…That’s her if people want to know…

So, saying that you love her and at the same time not at least trying to understand her or showing respect for her decision…is actually an act of hurting her feelings…
She knows exactly things are not easy on the other side because this is not the first time she faced such situation…
So, she thinks open up is not the best way to at least soothe her for now…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Alhamdulillah, I feel really greatful as God has finally helped me to 'wake up' from this 'nightmare'...
Yes, i still could not forget what has happened...
but yet...

i still feel loved...

Thanks Allah for letting me be here...
sorrounded by these people...
I am really thankful...

MasyaAllah...
Allah, YOU are so GREAT...
It's never difficult for YOU to change my mood from such gloomy day to a glittering night...
In just a split second, HE managed to change everything...
Thank you Allah...thank you...
alhamdulillah...

Salam~

i'm tired...
tired of acting as if nothing happened...
tired of putting a happy face when my heart has actually shattered into pieces and yet to be repaired...

i don't know how to describe my feelings rite now...
i'm so damn sad and dissappointed...
i feel like i've lost some parts of me...
even sadder thinking that i've lost it to someone that i shouldn't...

i think this is the most trying times for me...
so many things happen at once...
and i couldn't handle things well...

sometimes, i feel like a psycho...
i'm lost...
God, please give strength...
i'm so fragile rite now that even a small things could make me emo and pissed off and sad...
help me..please...

Allah, please help me...
i am so hurt...
deeply hurt...
please Allah...please heal me...i beg u...

i'm so weak...
i feel like crying...
i feel like hugging You....
hold You tight in my arms...
for i'm so helpless right now...

o Allah...i miss You...
i need You...
really...really...
please...