Assalamualaikum W.B.T

stucked...

don't know how to get out from here...

lost...

don't know how to get back on track...

empty...

don't know how to get it filled...again...

help...

i just need help...please...My Lord...

because i can't continue living like this...

it's meaningless...

and thus not the purpose of my creation...i know that...

S.O.S. PLEASE..

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Okay...enuf of that sad melancholic story... I know it's my blog and thus it's my right to write whatever I like but too much of such stories wouldn't change anything rite...So, it's time for different genre now...huhu...

Em...let's talk about my graduation day...

Yeah, i know2...it's expired already....BUT as long as I haven't got the pictures yet, I could still consider that as fresh, right...haha...like I care..heh~

Actually, nothing much to tell here...

But, after all, I feel really happy that I managed to do it...

Alhamdulillah....praise be to Allah for making this happen...

I really enjoy this 5 and a half year course...the knowledge i gained, the place i've been, the people i met...everything...everything is just awesome....

And as a bonus, being a top scholar for my uni...that is the biggest 'bomb' i think...

You know, I thought that era has ended 8 years ago...

But who knows, Allah still give me the chance to 'be' and 'feel' that...

and I am really grateful for that...especially thinking that my parents would also be happy with that fact...Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal...

But, there's so many things I failed to do during my graduation day...

1st: taking pictures with my beloved parents...wearing that robe...

2nd: having small talk with Pamela and take at least a picture with her...

3rd: spending more time with my beloved friends whom I missed so much...and take pictures with them...

4th: taking pictures with my unimates...

5th: seeing my beloved lecturers, thanking him and her personally and taking pictures with them....

Hmm....basically I am not satisfied with myself...

I don't know why but I think the day turned out being so hectic that I missed doing so many things...

Happy inside but at the same time feel disappointed...

But, that's life....nothing is perfect aite...

Whatever it is, I AM FINALLY AND OFFICIALLY GRADUATED....YEAY!!!!

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I just don’t understand why am I becoming too engrossed in writing recently…
Was it the influence of The Vampire Diaries…I don’t know…haha
But, if I could recall it clearly, actually I’ve started writing 8 years ago…that time I was in a boarding school…
It’s the first time I’ve been ‘kept’ in a place where I’ve got to be very careful as to whom I could ‘share’ stories…

There are some stories that you could just tell anybody and there are certain things that you have got to be picky as to whom you could reveal things and to what extent your revelation should be..
And that act could trap you as well because you can’t afford to know everybody inside out…so, you could have made a wrong decision…

Solution: I wrote things…things that I angry about, I am not satisfied with…anything….
But, I realized one disadvantage of keeping a diary…what if people happen to ‘find out’ and read things… couldn’t it be a disaster?
So, every time when I finished ‘expressing’ my what-so-ever-feelings, I would tear that piece of paper and get rid of it…
At least, I feel better because I have let things out of my mind, my inner soul…so, it’s less burdensome I guess…

I stopped writing for quite some time…
And I started again…maybe a bit more serious when I was in Sydney back in 2007…3 years ago I guess…
Yeah, people call me ‘jiwang’ or whatever the term is...but, do I care?
I just need a channel to put down my thoughts, my feelings and anything I feel like sharing…
OMG, I couldn’t keep everything to myself…because my mind and my heart have limited capacity…
So, there are things that I keep inside and there are some that I need to let go to at least provide some space for the upcoming ‘things’…
There, one way is to keep a journal…at least you can keep track of it…some kind of an archives I should say..haha
That’s the reason why I blog…

Previously, I used to make it public…
That’s why I never write things bluntly…
I consider my audience…I’ve to be or pretend to be someone whose EQ is of ‘moderate’ level…
But now, after what happened, I don’t think I could make it public anymore…
I am so hurt that it’s hard for me to trust people anymore…at least for now…
I have started becoming skeptical…over so many things…
I know exactly that this isn’t good…but I guess it’s just a reaction towards what happened…
I really wish I could get over it soon…I hope so

As much as I hate to remember things, I just couldn’t forget it…at least that easily…
Whatever I did or of think of, I don’t know but my brilliant mind would always make this kind of connection to continuously reactivate my schemata of it…
And every time the thought came across my mind, I would feel hurt…
I don’t know how long would it take for me to be fully recovered but I really wish Allah will help me get through this…
Perhaps, my soul is empty right now that Allah gave me this test…
Yeah..maybe…
At least that’s what I choose to think…

I think I just want to start fresh…anew…
Maybe, I am ignoring things… but, that’s what I choose to do…
I hope there’ll be no regret…
Yeah, maybe I am a coward…because I didn’t try…
But can I just choose not to try…
I hope no one would pressure me…
Because I just do not like doing things that is not me…
I hope this is the best…
Allah, please guide me…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

The reason she is who she is today is merely because she is overly protective of her own feelings…
Of all the feelings, the one that she fears the most is the feeling of being rejected and hurt…

On the surface, she may look tough and rough…
Maybe, that’s what she always portrays or should she say “trying” to portray…
When in real fact, she is not…she never was…
Indeed, she is so fragile…to the extent that one could never imagine it could be of a person by “THE” name…
I guess, everything that people see on the first side is merely a shield to cover up who she is actually…
Maybe…maybe…I don’t know…
Because she has got this remark about her saying that “what you see is not what you get”…
That somehow indicates that she is not who she truly is if people were to judge her only from the first meeting…at least that’s what her friend said…and she admits there’s truth in it…somehow…

She always thinks that she is not easy…she is complicated…
Basically, she is not trying to be dramatic here by using such a cliché word…but, she really thinks that’s the word to describe her…especially when it comes to her feelings and how strong of an influence it has on her actions…

Not many people can understand her…and in fact, she bets if there’s any…
And she doesn’t expect anyone to be one also…because she feels that’s just being too demanding…
I don’t know…
But even if no one could understand her…one thing she really wishes she could get from someone close to her or her life partner (insyaAllah) is the support or the respect for whatever decision that she made or wants to make…
Even though her decision will appear so illogical and nonsense to others, she wishes she has this “tactful” angel, telling her how she could possibly consider other options rather than imposing hers…
She knows, this again shows how selfish she is but that’s how ‘this person’ works…
She is egocentric ok…She hate listening people telling her what to do especially when she knew exactly what to do…the more she’s being told, the more she’ll show her reluctance to follow…That’s her if people want to know…

So, saying that you love her and at the same time not at least trying to understand her or showing respect for her decision…is actually an act of hurting her feelings…
She knows exactly things are not easy on the other side because this is not the first time she faced such situation…
So, she thinks open up is not the best way to at least soothe her for now…

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Alhamdulillah, I feel really greatful as God has finally helped me to 'wake up' from this 'nightmare'...
Yes, i still could not forget what has happened...
but yet...

i still feel loved...

Thanks Allah for letting me be here...
sorrounded by these people...
I am really thankful...

MasyaAllah...
Allah, YOU are so GREAT...
It's never difficult for YOU to change my mood from such gloomy day to a glittering night...
In just a split second, HE managed to change everything...
Thank you Allah...thank you...
alhamdulillah...

Salam~

i'm tired...
tired of acting as if nothing happened...
tired of putting a happy face when my heart has actually shattered into pieces and yet to be repaired...

i don't know how to describe my feelings rite now...
i'm so damn sad and dissappointed...
i feel like i've lost some parts of me...
even sadder thinking that i've lost it to someone that i shouldn't...

i think this is the most trying times for me...
so many things happen at once...
and i couldn't handle things well...

sometimes, i feel like a psycho...
i'm lost...
God, please give strength...
i'm so fragile rite now that even a small things could make me emo and pissed off and sad...
help me..please...

Allah, please help me...
i am so hurt...
deeply hurt...
please Allah...please heal me...i beg u...

i'm so weak...
i feel like crying...
i feel like hugging You....
hold You tight in my arms...
for i'm so helpless right now...

o Allah...i miss You...
i need You...
really...really...
please...

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

I may be able to forgive...but to forget...that's never easy for me...
I don't know how and why, but THAT person has indirectly made an impact on me...
Everytime i remember something related to IT, my heart aches...literally...
Even though i have decided to move on, things won't be as easy as i want it to be because every moment, there'll be something that would trigger that memory...and again it really hurts...

And things get worse when people around you doesn't really understand you...
saying things that you didn't fancy listening to...at least at this phase...
i don't know...maybe i'm just too fragile...yes, i think i am, now...
even if they didn't mean to purposely hurt me, at times like this, it does...
who am i to expect everyone to understand me...

Actually, i tried 'my best' to look OK in front of the other...
but the thought of IT, sometimes make me feel sad, disappointed, angry and basically negative feelings...
i don't even have the mood to facebooking like i always do...because it hurts to think that it's the source of my 'frustration' rite now...
i even make my blog private...because i think since that incident, my privacy has been invaded...or i should say 'hijacked'...
i've become paranoid now...adoiii...

But, on top of that, i always believe that there's always hikmah for everything that happened...
i've get the short-term one...and i'm looking forward for the long-term one...
I know Allah is never mean...He loves me more than I love HIM....many2 times more than I do...
i hope this is a turning point for me to have a better life..insyaAllah

Salam~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

If you don't know how it feels like to be cheated, let me tell u, it hurts. It really is. Especially when it's done by someone you never expect.

Angry is not the word...what more hate. But it's more to disappointment... a great disappointment. I really feel like a loser... the MAJOR one...

But thanks anyway... At least you've helped me find what I've lost for so long...
Thanks so much dear...

Don't worry, I won't blame u...it's my mistake...So, serve me right...
At least I learnt many things from this...

That, there are some people who'll stand up for you, support you...
That, i should be very careful with everyone, even those who seem harmless...
That, Allah is always there for me...to listen to me, everytime, everywhere...it's just me who often neglect Him...

I don't know...but i feel so weak inside...my heart is aching, my body is trembling, my head is spinning.... i just hope things will get better once i wake up tomorrow morning...

But, i'll surely remember this moment in my life...i'll always do...

Salam~

p/s: i'm sorry fren...i'm not like you and cud never b one...i don't want to be a superhero trying to solve everything... i juts want to be me..sorry..

Assalamualaikum W.B.T

Yup...aku tau mmg x elok aku off-task time kerja...aku tau...x berkat semua tu..
tapi, aku betul2 lost skrg...aku x boleh concentrate pada apa yang aku lakukan...
fikiran sangat kacau...
buktinya mudah...aku dh post 3 entri hari ni...sth yg aku x pernah buat kot b4 this esp. once aku start kerja...

aku tak tahu apa yang aku fikir skrg...
tp hati aku sgt x tenang...
hati pedih...
kepala berat...
fikiran menerawang...

aku tau aku patutnya b'skp professional...
personal is personal...
work is work...
and aku tau aku dh bw personal matters dlm waktu kerja...which i know is unethical...
tapi aku seriuosly out of place skrg...
ni je cara aku nak express ketidakwarasan aku.... if x, kesian la org yg kene dengar bebelan aku...
but in fact, aku x rasa ade org yg btul2 faham keadaan skrg...
so, i better keep it to myself first...
skrg, aku hnya fikir laut, lagu dan i feel like crying...

Allah, campakkanlah ketenangan dalam hatiku....moga aku mampu 'berfikir' dengan baik...aminn

Salam~