Aku teramat rindu untuk menulis di sini. Rindu yang tak tergambar.

Di sini terlalu banyak kenangan...manis...pahit...suka...duka...pelajaran.

Jatuh bangun aku tercatat di sini.

Aku kini bahagia bersama keluargaku. Aku gembira dapat meluangkan lebih banyak masa dengan mak dan abah di kampung selepas 4 tahun berkemudi di Terengganu. Aku tidak menyesal "berhenti" sementara waktu dari dunia pekerjaan. 

Al Amin akan menginjak 15 bulan minggu hadapan. Ini bermakna sudah 15 bulan aku merawatnya sepenuh masa tanpa pengasuh. Cuma ibu mertuaku membantu menjaganya tatkala aku ke kelas master. Itupun sekadar 5-6 jam seminggu. Aku puas melihat anakku membesar di depan mata. Alhamdulillah...tak tergambar kepuasan ini.

Aku kini berada di semester 5 pengajian master. Tinggal 12 kredit lagi untuk disempurnakan. Aku berdoa agar semuanya dipermudahkan Allah. Semoga niat aku untuk menggenggam ijazah sarjana sebelum usiaku menginjak 30 tahun tercapai...Amin.

Aku kini menghitung hari untuk kembali melapor di ke KPM. Tinggal kurang dari 3 bulan. Semuanya bakal berubah. Aku pasti merindui rutin harianku sebelum ini. Tapi aku pasti Allah telah merancang yang terbaik untuk aku dan anakku. 

Terlalu banyak yang aku belajar sepanjang tempoh ini. Ingin saja aku tulis semuanya...biar jadi pengajaran pada masa hadapan. Paling tidak, biar ia kekal dalam hati.

Salam rindu.

 

Setiap orang punya bahagian masing-masing yang sudah ditetapkan Tuhan.
Tidak banyak, tidak sedikit, tidak cepat, tidak terlewat.
It is just perfect!!

Rezeki datang dalam pelbagai bentuk.
Ujian juga satu bentuk rezeki.
Walau terkadang rasa kurang dengan ujian yang datang..hakikatnya, paling tidak ujian membawa kita rezeki "kembali kepada Tuhan".

Di saat kehidupan terlalu statik, monotonous, dan menjadi terlalu rutin....
ujian harus datang untuk menyentap jiwa kembali bergantung harap kepada Tuhan.

Ujian sebenarnya terapi hati....
Mensuci noda hitam lagak sombong jiwa penuh nafsu...
Moga diberi kekuatan mengharungi apa jua yang datang...

Alhamdulillah...I am now a mother to our beloved Al Amin.
Today is his 19th day.

2014 was a 'challenging' year for me.
Such a crybaby I have been for the past nine months (i.e. throughout pregnancy).

So many things happened.
And I hope I became stronger.

If only I could narrate it all one day.....

Alhamdulillah.

2013 is “The Year” for me.

It’s the year in which so many important things happened to me.

Too many to be listed that I choose to write only a few here.

1^st: 2^nd June 2013 – the day when I became Mrs. Amir.

2^nd: 29^th August 2013 – the day when I became a postgrad student in UKM.

3^rd: 15^th September 2013 – the day when I received Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang 2012 award.

Alhamdulilllah thumma Alhamdulillah thumma Alhamdulillah.

No words could describe my feelings at the moment.

I could only think of Allah, thinking about all these.

There are all gifts from HIM, at the same time trials as well.

Being a wife is a totally new experience.

Getting married doesn’t mean “life is a bed of roses” now.

Yes, I am in love. But I rather choose “bangun cinta” than “jatuh cinta”.

And to do that, there’s so many things I have learnt, am learning, and should learn and unlearn as well.

I see this as a “journey” rather than an “achievement” (as some may put it).

“Living with a man” shapes a “new” me.

We are different in many ways yet similar in some ways. That’s the beauty of it.

Though “to change” and reach “equilibrium” is a bit challenging, I think I am up for this challenge.

It is an interesting experience though and I must say:

 “I love my other half. He completes me.” (PDA alert!! hahaha)

 I always thought I would be a postgrad student then only a wife.

But Allah has better plan.

The moment I am ready to pursue my postgrad studies, Allah send him to me.

So, I postponed the study plan first, fulfilling my duty as a muslim by getting married.

And about three months later, I registered as a postgrad student.

If being in long distance relationship is already an issue to me, adding to the list now is being a part time student who commutes about 1000km on weekends just to attend the class.

Sometimes, I think I made a crazy decision.

But, I always remind myself that what I am doing now is not only for my benefit but also for the ummah insyaAllah.

And having such thoughts motivates me to stay with my decision so far...Alhamdulillah.

Again, Allah blessed me with a supportive husband.

Though our different backgrounds (i.e. Engineering vs Education, Private vs Government) sometimes causes arguments between us, the fact that he loves knowledge and anything related to that solves many issues.

Having a “new man” (read: not Abah anymore) sending you to class and fetching you home after class is really a good feeling to me...Alhamdulillah. 

That’s the support I needed at least and he could provide that so far...Alhamdulillah.

At one point in my life, I thought of quitting the profession.

I even have the thought of becoming a home maker one day should career hinders my ability to be a good wife cum mother one day.

Just as such thoughts keeps lingering in my mind, Allah blessed me with Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang 2012.

I was left dumbfounded the moment the officer showed me the letter.

I was like, “Why me?”, “What have I done?”, “Did I ever do something impressive?”

I myself have no answer for the selection if people were to ask about my eligibility of receiving such recognition.

Then I realized that whatever happens could be the signs from Allah.

...that He wants me to be an excellent wife to my husband...

...that He wants me to be an excellent student who keeps learning...

...that He wants me to be an excellent educator who contributes to nation building...

The thought of it always makes me cry.

I always think of becoming an ordinary person who leads an ordinary life.

But Allah keeps giving me signs that I worth more than that.

I should not be ordinary. I should be extra ordinary!!

I should not be weak. I should be strong!!

And to be that, all I need is the positive vibes around me.

No matter how many times I fall, I should always get up.

I know He is watching me.

I know He will always help me.

I know He will grant me with the strength.

I know I can do it so long I believe He is there for me.

O Lord, thanks for the opportunities You give me to live my life.

May the life I lead in this world would make me a happy servant in the Hereafter....ameen.

Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alamin. Praise be to Allah, The Lord of the 'Alamin.

Who would ever thought that at the age of 26 years, 5 1/2 months, I am already a wife to someone. And I would be the first person to scream "I can't believe this!!". 

Well yes, this is what we called The Power of Kun Fayakun.

To be truth, I don't really know where, when and how exactly the story of Mr. Amir and Mrs. Amrien begins. Things happened so fast that I didn't expect that we would end up being together. I believe, this is what we called Jodoh.

And if I would keep this blog as my treasure in the future, I think I shall remember all these moments.....

*****************************************************

May 2012 

He send his first text to me, asking if "we" could be friends. My reply was simple and straight: "Well yes, if you have the intention of getting married to me". (read: He actually got my number from a colleague of mine who was actually his secondary school teacher years ago). The reason I responded to his text was simply because at that time, I think, maybe I should make some efforts in relation to this Jodoh thingy. There's no harm trying anyway aite.

Since then, we exchanged few texts. This was the phase where I got to know some background info about him; i.e. that he's from Dengkil (dekat la dengan rumah), that he's a Javanese (hmm...confirm mak suka), that some of his relatives live in the same village as mine (hmm...interesting). 

He did call once, which I insensibly answered on my way to bus terminal. There's also this one time when he intend to meet me face-to-face at the airport. But the mission failed because I was not ready to meet him at that time.

And those were the things happening during the first two-three months of our friendship.

And I wasn't happy with it. I suddenly feel that whatever I did was actually against my principles. 

And it's during Ramadhan last year if I am not mistaken that I decided not to communicate with him the way we used to. I told him if he wanted to know more about me, he could use e-mails. That would make things appeared more professional, less personal and thus makes me feel better. But, he didn't favor that. 

Finally, I told him, if he seriously wanted to know me better, then just come to my house and pay us a visit during raya. He replied, "insyaAllah" and in my heart I said "tak payahlah".

*****************************************************
23rd August 2012 (Eidul Fitr)
He did his first visit to my house, visiting my parents, all by himself. Homaigad, it's our very first face-to-face interaction, in front of my parents. And this was when we got to know more about his background. 

My parents claimed that they had no problems accepting him. So, the decision is 100% on me. And I was like "duhhh@#$%^&". I was so indecisive at that time, not knowing what I really want in life.

He still texted me. Which made me feel bad responding. And that was when Fatimah Syarha's video on youtube "taught" me something about 'jodoh'.
******************************************************
7th September 2012
I send my first email to him, telling him straight what I feel and how I wanted things to be done. Though it killed my pride and ego to have written such piece, I still did that. Never in my life I've been so brave. Never in my life I was very clear with what I want.

He responded to my e-mail. Saying he wanted to proceed. Me? Ok, fine!!

So, we exchanged few emails then, mostly about views on things, believes and principles in life. I know at times, my emails to him sounded bitter (read: he even claimed that). But I constantly reminded myself that I have to be strict when it comes to things like this. I should filter things so that whatever my decision is in the future would not be influenced by what I feel, but what is right to be done. 

And I decided that we should get to know family members before we proceed. I would wanr to see if things went well this time.

*****************************************************
22nd October 2012
I send my so-called "CV" to him (as an indirect way of asking if I can get his).
And I did!!. 
He send his "CV" and this is when I know what his full name is, d.o.b, occupation, list of schools... yadda yadda yadda. 
And I know it sounded "#$%^&*" but I choose to do it that way. Any problem with that? heh~
****************************************************
26th October 2012 (Eidul Adha)
As promised, he came to my house for the second time. This time, he brought his mother and siblings along. This is more a less like raya visit. To mengeratkan silaturrahim so to say.

I have set things very clearly in my mind:
...that I have no intention at all to please him or his family during their visit. 
...that I should just be myself, telling them clearly what I can and cannot do.

And when they went back home, I consulted my parents again, seeking clarification from them if I should proceed with this guy or not.

For me, if they say "yes", then i'll just give it a go. If it is a "no", I surrender.

and I shall never forget this line, uttered by Abah, "dah nak yang macamana lagi?"

That night, he texted me, telling if he wanted to proceed with the wedding proposal.
And I was like, "well, ok then" (but in my heart, I screamed: "as easy as that, Amrien?????")
******************************************************
23rd November 2012
I drafted a wedding plan for him. homaigad, I feel so like "isteri cerdik yang solehah" at that time.
******************************************************
28th November 2012
We discussed our wedding on the phone. I was at Bukit Gambang Resort City at that moment, attending a course.
******************************************************
1st December 2012
Our first outing together with his mother and his sisters, getting the rings and wedding-dress materials ready. homaigad, giler tak nervous. It's our 'first date' and we already bought things for our 'big day'. But well, I was a good actress so to say!! I managed to hide my feelings in front of them though I can't remember how many times I slapped my face in the toilet (facepalm).
****************************************************
8th &9th December 2012
I attended Kursus Pra Perkahwinan at PAID, Sg. Manggis
****************************************************
8th December 2012 (night)
His family came for merisik-cum-engagement. The date was set. 
****************************************************
15th December 2012
He came to my house and we went to the Tailor.
****************************************************
March 2013
He came to my house to settle the ring and Baju Melayu issue.
****************************************************
2nd June 2013
Our solemnization day. We are officially husband-and-wife today. Alhamdulillah~

to be continued~

I'm in love!!!!
and I will always pray that this feeling would be eternal.

Allah,
I could not thank you enough for this...
Praises be on You...for giving me the opportunity to internalize the meaning of "love"

Dan cinta itu hanya kepada Allah.
dan kepada makhluknya, yang harus ada adalah rasa kasih dan sayang....

first phase: I barely made it through. alhamdulillah.

second phase: struggling...

third phase: Allahu a'lam

I thought it's easy. Then only  I realized many things are just very idealistic on the surface.

But I keep believing, 

"Mesti boleh buat, cuma kena kuat dan lebih kuat".

"Jangan dikira berapa banyak air mata yang tumpah...sebab itu bukan ertinya kalah".

"Nak menang memang tak mudah, yang penting jangan mengalah".

Along the way, I only learnt the meaning of "syukur".

I don't know how's life gonna be should I am not a Muslim.

The thought of it always makes me feel so honoured. and again I cried :')

Thank you Allah. Thank you Allah. Thank you Allah. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal~

And again, it's a plain lie if I said I don't feel anything about it.

takut.risau.sedih.keliru.kecikhati.feelinsignificant - are parts and parcel of life this one year.

But again, I keep believing,

"I am doing this for HIM. So, I should not feel worried of anything. 

HE's the one, choosing me to lead this path. 

So, I believe that HE'll protect me, HE'll guide me 

and HE'll make me happy...even if it's not here...later in jannah...in sya Allah."

So, to the 90d2dWnM, Fighting!! 

You can do it babeh!!

Allah kan ada (like what I always told chacha)

ingatkan sempoi je bila takde dream wedding.
tapi bila fikir2...susah gak.
jenuh gak nak fikir and decide few things in a very short period of time.
oh, tisu kelabu..silalah berfungsi dengan cemerlang!!
time is ticking!! fuhh!!

anyways, it's challenging yet interesting :P
yolah tu!! *fewslapsontheface*

semakin hari semakin susah

aku semakin lemah

nah, mencari syurga memang payah

kerana ia terlalu indah

terlalu gah!!

*****

aku yang dulumya tercari-cari cinta

selalu memikirkan kenapa tak jumpa-jumpa

akhirnya diizin ketemu DIA

aku bahagia

dan untuk mengekalkan rasa bahagia

aku berperang bukan sekali dua

hebat sungguh godaan dunia

terkadang buat aku lupa

yang aku cinta cuma DIA

oh Tuhan, 

kuatkan jiwa hamba

yang telah bersaksi dengan 2 kalimah syurga

kekalkan aku atas jalannya

biar aku kembali ke sana

dengan rasa redha penuh dalam dada

*****

sesuatu yang susah

pastinya mencipta resah

gelisah dalam pasrah

tapi yakinlah

natijahnya pasti indah

disulami barokah

duhai jiwa yang gundah

kembalilah kepada Allah

hanya Dia pengubat lelah

membawa hati menuju fitrah

maka, bersabarlah!!

bertabahlah!!

"Verily, with every hardship, there is relief"

(94:6)